Vent/Advice

So I am having a mini breakdown and I didn’t really want to admit to myself why until my husband kept wanting me to talk about everything tonight...

Backstory: TTC for 6 years. We have tried clomid once, 6 IUIs, IVF (didn’t respond to trigger shot so we got no eggs at egg retrieval).. took a break for about 10 months and now we are talking about trying again since I’ve naturally been getting my periods for the last year almost, which has never happened in my entire life. So we have been pregnant twice (both IUIs) one was ectopic the other was an early miscarriage. Now we just moved to a new state this past month so basically starting over if we decide to do treatments again.

I had an obgyn appt this past Friday and I just didn’t go. It was an initial appt and I was going to consider trying clomid again. At the time I just decided I didn’t feel like going but now I’m starting to feel like there is a deeper reason I decided not to go. It was CD 3 of my cycle so perfect time to start clomid..I can’t figure out if I’m just self sabotaging my chances or if it’s deeper of that. I’m at the point where I’m like I tried everything and it has never worked so why continue? Then my best friend offered to carry for us (her egg) but that scares the crap out of me because of so many things that could go wrong like her changing her mind and not being able to give up the baby, her wanting to be a little too involved, etc.

Long story short..I feel like I’m losing my shit, I feel like I wish I could just wake up and not want kids anymore because I feel like if I don’t ever have kids what’s purpose? And feeling so mixed lately is just a really bummer. I’m so happy for those who get their BFP but I would be lying if I said I never got jealous, envious, and bitter. I’m usually an extremely positive person but for some reason it’s really hitting me hard..and I just need some advice/reassurance/whatever else...

Xx baby dust to all!