Should I be upset about this?

Question

Recently my boyfriend hasn’t been feeling happy bc of things like school and where he lives but he says I’m the only thing making him happy right now. And he was telling me how he was feeling last night and I was comforting him and telling him how great of a person he is and that he’ll be happy once he moves out and stuff and not to worry, just generally comforting my boyfriend like I should. Well anyways, i’ve been struggling with college and I feel like I can’t do it. I’m on probation so I can’t fail any classes and I’m having trouble with french, so I feel like I’m going to get kicked out eventually. But anyways, this morning I was telling him all of that and I was just feeling really bad and wondering why I’m even alive bc I have nothing to offer anyone or to this world and after I said all of that, he said ‘okay.’ And I was so hurt by that because I sat there last night when he was venting to me and I comforted him, I was trying to keep him positive. And when I vented to him, all he said was ‘okay.’ And I’m just so hurt by that. And so I said, “is that all you have to say?” And he said, “what else am I gonna say?”. I know some people aren’t good at comforting other people, but he always comforts me really well and he’s comfortable with it. But every time I mention my feelings when I’m just feeling depressed, he never really cares or comforts me like I do for him. It just feels like he doesn’t appreciate me. And when I tell him all of this, how I feel. He says, “you really wanna start fighting again?” And I don’t even try to fight. He’s always been like this. And I do so much for him and I feel like he doesn’t care or appreciate it. And I’ve told him so many times that I feel that way, but he doesn’t wanna listen or he says he doesn’t appreciate and care about me but he doesn’t show it at all. Idk. Maybe I’m crazy. Am I wrong to be upset about this? About the fact that he said ‘okay’ when I vented to him?

Answer

I think you wanted a little bit of emotional support and he did not or could not give that to you for some reason. It could be that he’s just too in his head about his own stuff and had little energy to emotionally support you at this time as well. Maybe you can talk with him again and let him know that it hurts when he does that, and you need him to try to support you emotionally at times. I know that “OK was not what you wanted to hear, but sometimes you just have to except things as they are rather than making a big fight out of it. I do think that he is a little bit dismissive of your feelings and that’s certainly not OK. Tell him that you need him to acknowledge and validate your feelings rather than just dismissing them as another fight. People have feelings and the only way to resolve any issues is to talk about it. There is something about your post that worries me A bit and that is how dependent each of you are on each other for happiness and how much you are looking for outside circumstances and relationships to bring happiness to you as opposed to finding that happiness from within yourselves. Just remember that anything outside of yourself can always be taken away whether it be people, circumstances, material things, etc.… Went all those things are gone, you had better have a stable place of happiness within yourself without all that stuff to rely on. What happens in relationships is you put so much pressure on one another to be each other source of happiness that you simply don’t realize that one person can never provide your happiness for you.

Answer

You need to be specific and repetitive with your needs. Say, “hey, I know you have been feeling bummed lately but I kind of need to vent, too. We can be bummed together, is that ok?” If he says no, that is his right. Try not to take it personally and find another person or place to vent to, like GLOW/EVE. If he says yes, tell him exactly what you need from him, like “I just need someone to listen and tell me it will be ok.” Then, keep it short. If you tell him lots of details and it takes a long time, he might get overwhelmed (or, honestly, bored, because men are different). Try giving him tiny bits of info to make him ask questions, but if he doesn’t, that’s ok, just tell him more. When you are done, remind him of what you wanted, like “I was just hoping you could reassure me.” 
My husband needs it spelled out and repeated five times. Now that I know that, that’s what I do. Sometimes I say, “I feel terrible today, can you remind me how awesome I am?”  If he says he feels too crappy to make me feel better, I ask him if we can feel crappy together. He usually obliges, and we get pizza and watch a movie. I just always remind myself that he is a totally different person with totally different thoughts.

Answer

I meant “he does appreciate and care about me but doesn’t show it at all.” Whoops

Should I be upset about this?

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