VERY GRAPHIC AND RAW PHOTOS

Again these pictures are VERY GRAPHIC AND RAW MISCARRIAGE PHOTOS.

I suffered a miscarriage as my first pregnancy. It was hard. It was so so hard. And no one prepares you for that. I was young, newly married, and it was the only time I saw my husband cry. I passed the baby, and he grew numb to it. I had been bleeding for two weeks, and he was just ready to move on and stop hearing about it.

We unexpectedly fell pregnant my next cycle. We were excited, but I refused to connect with my new baby. I felt it would also end in demise. Even walking into the hospital for delivery at 40 weeks, I was just numb. I expected to leave empty handed. I did not. I brought home my beautiful baby girl who brought me out of a year long darkness.

Husband and I agreed we were still traumatized from our first loss, and daughter would be our only. Coming up on 2 years, we discover we are pregnant. The same excitement/guilt washed over me as before. I didn’t want to connect to this baby in fear I’d lose it. When going in for our first ultrasound, 8 weeks 4 days, there was no heartbeat. I could only stare at my husband holding our daughter thinking “why did this happen again?” Your miscarriage risk should decrease after a live birth. They told us and told us and told us. Our OB was less than helpful or hopeful. She recited her usual spiel and left us to our thoughts. I had never felt as alone as I did in that moment, and all my husband could manage to say was “it’s not your fault.” Not helpful.

I denied a D&C; as I did the first time in order to let things progress naturally. I refused medications to speed the process and pain meds, I wanted to carry my baby for as long as I could. This was my closure. My first miscarriage, while heart shattering, was easy physically. This one however was not. The following week I began cramping, bleeding, then by day 3 was passing golf ball to baseball sized clots. I was bleeding badly. I had heavy periods, but this was a constant flow out of me that wasn’t letting up. I birthed clot after clot in our bathroom floor and tub until I begged my husband to take me to the ER. I sat in the waiting room, where no one paid me any mind that I was losing blood rapidly. I bled through my pad in 10 minutes, then my clothing, and it was pooling on the floor. When the receptionist finally cared, they took me back. After prompt bloodwork, I was told I was a high category II-category III hemorrhage case. They immediately hooked me up to an IV, while I birthed my baby clinging to my nurse. My baby fell to the floor in a baseball sided clot, and it was over. I couldn’t even cry, I was in so much shock. My sweet, perfect nurse cleaned me up, changed my clothes, and shared with me that she had 3 miscarriages in a row and was told she would never carry.

My husband brought my daughter back, one of the only comforts to me, and he was so torn up it broke my heart. He mentioned this time was harder on him because he tangibly has a daughter to love and loved this baby the same. He felt as though a child he had carried, kissed, and cared for had been killed.

My doctor came in questioning my blood type—O negative—and asked if I had received a Rhogam shot previously. I had only received one at 28 weeks pregnant with my daughter. According to her, I should have received one after my first miscarriage, and with my daughter being rhesus positive, she should have had fetal demise as well. My “Nemo” was even more of a miracle baby than I could have dreamed. Without the shot following her birth (so two missed shots now), it was likely this pregnancy was also rhesus positive and my body fought the baby. We have sent in everything for genetic testing to receive more answers, closure, and to choose a name for our baby. The following pictures are the reality of miscarriage. What people don’t talk about. The pain emotionally, physically, and mentally is not for the faint of heart. We moms of Heavenly babies are WARRIORS. And we will overcome.