getting raped and feeling guilty
sorry for the length of this in advance - please read if you have time though
i’m 15 and a freshman in high school. about two weeks ago, i was raped by an 18 year old senior (my boyfriend at the time). i want to give some background before though so anyone who reads this gets the fullest story. at the beginning of the summer, we were at the same party, started talking, and just hit it off. after a week or two of hanging out basically every day, we made ourselves official “boyfriend and girlfriends”. for a really long time, i felt like he was the one. being my first real boyfriend, i had never felt the way he made me feel, seriously so in love - i guess if that were true though and he was really right for me i wouldn’t be writing this! we were that stereotypical high school relationship, basically attached at the hip, always together. he was seriously so good to me that it was mind boggling to even comprehend what happened. one thing i made clear to him was that i wasn’t ready to have sex, losing my virginity. although, we weren’t unfamiliar with each other’s bodies (we did other things just not penetrative sex). i knew that i wanted him to be my first time but i also knew that i wasn’t ready yet, and he had expressed to me that he was okay with it and would wait until i was ready. keep in mind, he wasn’t a virgin. everything i had done with him so far was solely my choice and his, not just one or the other. so when he raped me, i was completely shocked to say the least. like i said, two weeks ago was when this happened. we were at a party together, both of us really drunk. so touchy with each other all night, making out on the couch or holding hands wherever we went, sexy smirks from across the room. eventually, the tension got pretty high so we went to one of the bedrooms in the house and started making out. i was drunker then i think i’ve ever been, near the point of blacking out. he was drunk, not as much as i was though. he was getting pretty firm with me, holding my hands down. i wasn’t fighting him off though because i guess i thought he was trying something new? from what i remember, after we were making out for a while, he started going lower on my body. we had done this before, but right now it felt different. he pulled my pants down and started eating me out and fingering me. after a few minutes, he took his pants off, his dick out. he was already hard, and got on top of me. i remember telling him to stop, but he put his hand over my mouth, quieting me down. i knew what he was about to do and i started to yell. he picked up and put me onto my stomach forcefully, shoving my head into the pillow which made my screaming muffled. within seconds, he got inside me. starting to have sex with me from the back. i was still screaming, trying to squirm out of his grip, but he held me down with more force than i’ve ever felt. when he first got inside me it hurt really bad. although, after a couple minutes, it started feeling a lot better, actually pleasurable. i was still struggling and still trying to get free, but i liked the feeling i was getting. he liked it too, fucking me until he eventually came; and i did too. i feel disgusting with myself. i feel like i allowed him to rape me since it felt good and i came. after he finished, he got up, put his pants down, kissed me and told me he loved me, and walked out. he told me i should sleep of how drunk i was for a little bit and he’d bring me home. i was crying and felt sick to stomach, but i did what he said. he brought me home the next morning and i didn’t remember any of it the next day, but i was sore. after he left my house, i got a text from him saying “i had a great night last night, hope you did too😉” instantly after reading that, everything started flooding back. i showered like 6 times, just grossed out with myself that i left it happen.
as for me and him, i broke up with him and everyone thinks it’s because i’m a bitch which i can handle. he’s texted me multiple times telling me not to say anything about that night, saying how sorry he is and how much he loves me. but i’m so uncomfortable with myself. i don’t even know what i’m trying to get here but i need some advice with how to deal with this. i feel like i let him rape me since i didn’t hate the way it felt.
thank you to whoever read this (if anyone even did) because i know it’s a lot. also sorry it’s all over the place.