Allow my son to stop seeing their dad?

Some of you ladies might remember my earlier two posts. Some months back I found out my ex is gay. He’s been in a relationship for over 16 years with his best friend. We started dating 15 years ago so our entire relationship was a complete lie. I now have full custody of our three kids and our marriage has been annulled.

A few months ago I put my kids into therapy since my two boys (8 and 6 years old) are having a hard time. They don’t want to be around their dad and really fight me on going to see him on weekends. My ex is a good father and I do not want my kids to not have a good relationship with him. But my children found out about their fathers lies and they will not let it go.

I did not tell my kids what happened because I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to pick sides. But then my ex’s partner told my kids how long they’d been together and my son did the math. He’s angry at his father for lying to me. We raised our kids saying lying is wrong and have always promoted the truth. My eldest (and his younger brother followed suit- their sister is a baby so she doesn’t understand anything) now throws this in his fathers face constantly. He doesn’t listen to his dad and there’s no respect. When they’re at their dad’s I get constant phone calls from them and from my ex because things get so bad. I think he’s decided that his father is a hypocrite because it turned out my ex has done so many things he told our kids not to do.

Therapy does not seem to be helping with this. It has helped my boys settle more at home with me and things at home are good. But in the days leading up to a visit with dad and then for a few days afterwards it’s horrible in our home. There’s constant yelling, tantrums, disobedience, etc. My two boys turn into kids I don’t recognize. And it’s similar in school as well (I’m called in frequently and their grades are slipping, etc) Then it’s all good again for about a week until they are about to leave again. I don’t see this as healthy for my kids. I don’t want them to be this upset all the time. My eldest begs me constantly to let him not see his dad anymore. I just want to give in. He’s so unhappy and it’s hurting our family that’s already been through so much.

The family therapist we see keeps saying to give it more time and they’ll come around. But I don’t know how much more I can take of watching my kids hurt. We tried a family session where we brought their father and it was completely unproductive. My kids are just so angry. I’ve tried so hard to never say a bad thing about my ex and to always be as civil as possible. I don’t want to influence their choice. I’ve even started communicating with their dad in person (something I initially avoided) to try to get my kids to come around if they think Im able to. But they’ve taken this so personally. I just want a sense of calm and normal in our home and I feel like this would be healthy for my kids. Constant turmoil can’t possibly be good for them.

Would it be so wrong to allow them to chose to stop seeing their dad? Just to see if some time apart might help them? I feel like this could end up destroying the father-son (my ex would continue to see his daughter of course as there are no issues there) bond completely. But I also don’t think this is helping either. Any advice would be so appreciated! Thank you so much.