Wanting to divorce my husband and we have a 4 month old baby
I really need advice i feel so lost i feel so alone i feel like i don’t know who i am i feel like I’m a stranger to my body i talk and i don’t recognize my voice i have been feeling like I’m in a dream for the past two years at one point i didn’t know who i even woke up from sleeping that’s how bad my anxiety became but it’s gotten better with more acceptance of myself. Please real and HELP ME
Anyways basically my husband and i have been together for 5 years since i was 16 long story short i had a horrible family life at home my brothers beat me my mother beat me my parents emotionally abused me so i left home at 16 with my husband. But at first our relationship was really good considering i was very immature and always picking a fight with him. As we got older we had lots of fights and of course we both have hurt each other deeply and i bought we moved on from all that hurt but about three years he started treating me horribly we ended up moving back in with my parents he both of because his mother hated me that’s another story but we lived with my parents and for a year everyday we would fight like to the point it would get physical and i admit i would also hit back because i had so much hate in my heart but anyways it would get that bad he would pack his things and load his car everyday but then we would make up and he would force me to put away all his stuff he would say if i want him to stay i have to put it all away so i did we Neede getting our own place two years ago finally and it got worse we’ll on his part i actually started seeing a therapist and she helped me torch down the flames of hatred my heart a little and i became a calmer person and not act out right away when i get mad but my husband got worse to the point we would fight but i would just sit there and hear him yell at me and tell me horrible things like that he’s way above me (his mother out that in his mind) that I’m nothing that I’m super crazy and should be locked away (I’m struggling with anxiety for the past 5 years) also that I’m a hoe and all I’m good for is opening my legs no one ever loved me not even my family. Also if i said anything back he would hit me or push or drag me on the ground by my hair i think he’s beat the crap outta me 3 times pretty much was kicking me on the ground while i was crying for him to stop and he havnt done it again. But he has slapped me super hard pushed me into the wall hard pulled my hair super hard (while i was nursing our newborn) before i found out i was pregnant i left him i found a place to stay i had a job i could use for rent then i found out i was pregnant with our son and we got back together he begged me saying he wants this family and while i was pregnant it was a little better but still at Tim’s he told me he wished i lost the baby so he wouldn’t have to stay with me and i still remember that and breaks my heart. After the baby was born i had a horrible recovery my anxiety was so high and still is and my husband treats me even worse he’s got me while I’m nursing it holding the baby and when i hold our son he’s yelling at me and cussing at me and my son just stares at him treating me that way it hurts also he’s a super good Dad though like he’s always wants to play with him treats him good considering he’s a terrible husband i really want to leave him i don’t want my son growing up around his dad hurting me physically or emotionally but i have nothing going for me I’m 21 i graduated high school but no college no work experience he always wanted me home he never let me go out with friends and still to this day it’s the same wants me locked up in the apartment with our son he’s only 4 months. I can’t go to family because i have horrible relationship also my two older brothers live with my parents and not leaving anytime soon so no room for me my mom had my niece 24/7 I’m so stuck I’m miserable he’s made my mental health deteriorate even more then what it already was from years of getting brutally bullied since elementary school what can i do.