Needed this 💔😭💔

TW: drug abuse, DV, mental illness.

This is more of a vent if you’re not interested in a long read.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

I’ve had a few friends tell me they have had dreams I’m pregnant lately. One of them said they dreamt I came over to take the tests after buying them and “all of them” (such a me thing to do 😂👌🏻) instantly came out positive.

I’m not doing well lately, at all.

My boyfriend is in jail for something beyond my control. I thought I had this done and ready to be over with. I was totally ready to give an emotional speech about how I wish I knew all the signs of addiction and drug abuse before I got authorities involved with a restraining order (that I was kinda coerced into doing), and I’d like to drop all of it and focus on getting him help. He’s been staying with his meth dealer hiding from a 3rd violation warrant, and that creepy mofo has been keeping him high and manipulating the shit out of him. He convinced him I was going to put him in jail for 1-3 years over a restraining order violation 🙄. I’ve seen inherently evil men fracture skulls and ribs and all they get is probation and domestic violence classes. There was NO WAY my sweet man who gets warped by a substance abuse problem was going to serve time.

But I clearly again didn’t realize how bad off he was.... I knew he was mentally sick... I listened every time he said “I’m not okay”. I tried to tell him even with a warrant, just admit yourself to behavioral health to be safe. He said he was scared because he felt like they would never let him out. The day after Valentine’s Day he broke down crying saying he fully believes he has schizophrenia. He said “it’s always the things that hurt me the worst too”....

He said recently he heard tires screeching, a dog getting ran over, and a woman screaming/crying about it..... for 3 days, on repeat.

He said he’s heard me having sex with someone else and then talking shit about him with people.

I told him (before he broke down crying) that I questioned it a little... he always insisted he heard music, car alarms, people talking, etc...

I hope to god it’s just the drugs, and infections from his teeth... if he truly does have schizophrenia, I’ll still love him the same... but it’s just gonna be easier if these visions can be fixed once something stops causing it.

The day before court he posted on Snapchat he was going to shoot up the courtroom and kill every cop in there. I texted him after one of his sisters in Roanoke recorded it and played it for police— and 4 sheriffs rolled up to my house wanting to know where he was, and he insisted I was lying, making it up, called the police on him to my house to make him look bad.... it was like he was living in a different world replying to me than what he should have known was happening. In court he said he was arguing with her and she only did it “for spite” because everyone knows he’d never do that... and yet he said “I didn’t expect a communicating threats charge and was surprised by it” even though I TOLD HIM they were looking for him, and then got scared he had a “oh shit” moment and actually killed himself knowing they’re looking for him for THAT threat, but luckily he didn’t....

Once the local news posted it... the BIG news outlets copied and pasted the article and his name/mugshot as well. He’s everywhere as this ~hopeful cop killer~ while no one will know the backstory of how sick he is, and who he is when he’s healthy and sober. No one knows his gentle touch when I complain about backaches... no one knows he cried when I showed him video of a dog my friend found just a few days before... all they see is what they’re reading, and its so far away from the real him.

He was so back and forth in his defense, that you could just tell how mentally unwell he is... and it hurts. He’s literally deteriorating and if he threatened suicide multiple times for OUR restraining order violation charges because his meth dealer convinced him he’s going away for years.... I can’t imagine how fucked he feels now, after having threatened such a horrible thing not even a week after the school shooting.

I tried endlessly to reassure him he wasn’t going to jail for our situation... and now, beyond my help, it’s so much worse.

I’m so worried about him. I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in that no one bails him out. If anyone bails him out, that’s a self-inflicted death sentence and not a favor to him. They raised the bail to double the amount when I said he’s been threatening suicide and NOW I’m very concerned about his mental state.... and I know he’s angry at me for it. If he felt like our bullshit was the end of his life, surely he feels cornered after being charged with threats of shooting a court room up. I told the judge that it is NOT my goal for him to serve time... but if I have to chose him stay in jail or be released and kill himself like he’s been threatening.... of course I’m picking jail. Things got WAY too dark for me to trust him out there. He also got upset and said I was blackmailing him and ruining his life... while everyone had a collective confused stare, because I said the most heartfelt things I could saying I was wanting to help him because he’s a good man... he asked for a lawyer and was assigned one, and the DA told me he’s good with “cases like him”, and said since I’ve expressed wanting to help him, she and his lawyer will go down that route and his lawyer’s office will get in contact with me and interview me later on.

I hope he’s been seen by a doctor, too.... I’ve reported SO MANY WARNING SIGNS and no one cared... but because of the restraining order I can’t call him, and I can’t even get info on him.

One of my best friends is currently pregnant, and me and her have had weird telepathy lately. I’ll randomly feel like I have to throw up, when she actually is. The night the sheriffs came to my house saying “he’s made threats to family and were concerned” — I assumed it was the suicide threats and panicked thinking he finally told FAMILY (not just me) that he was going to kill him self and it was serious this time. This was right before 12, and she woke up having a BAD panic attack.

She told me today that I WILL get a positive pregnancy test this month. I kinda laughed and said that would probably help things with us so much.

I’ve been obsessively cleaning/de-cluttering to try to stay busy... I cleaned off the coffee table and found this

Now I’m definitely not one to assume ~~~~signs~~~~~~ are more reliable than pregnancy tests.... but it’s just weird I found this script he made for a tattoo while my friend said that to me.

I’m not gonna harp on every bell pepper or double yolk egg or whatever the new trend is... but even if I get a BFN this month from all the stress, I definitely needed to see this message “from” him right now.

He has such a lively personality and has so many crazy life stories.... it’s fucked with me a lot that my house and phone is suddenly so quiet... he even talks in his sleep so I’m just not used to his absence AT ALL.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive 😢