Just want someone to talk to. (My ex husband story)

So I guess I will tell you what is on my mind. Please be kind! I am 26 years old. I am pregnant with my first child with my boyfriend of only 9 months. He makes me feel beautiful and is great for the most part. He is 36. Now flash back to 2012. I was getting married in June 2012. To a man I had been with for over 2 years. I thought he was the one. He kind of helped me get out of my house at 18 years old where my stepfather at the time was abusive and in and out of drug rehabs. So then fast forward to 2014. I was miserable. My then husband was always putting me down and saying mean things about my physical appearance and getting physically violent with me himself. I don't know what I did to deserve that. I never wanted it to end up that way. I went and stayed with my grandparents while filing for divorce. I started exercising again and losing the weight I gained since being with him and worrying about myself. In 2015 my divorced finalized and I started to date again. (Which changed a lot since 2009) guys were saying nice things to me which I wasn't used to. In 2017 I met my boyfriend. We had an instant connection. He makes me feel beautiful and happy but most days I can't stop thinking about my ex. He is engaged and getting remarried next year. They seem happy. I can't help but hope they aren't. I see them on instagram going to concerts and stuff. Doing things I wish I was doing. I try and think of all the bad things but just end up feeling jealous most days. Sure we had good times but the bad times were bad. He would make fun of my body, the way I dress. I did everything for him and it was never enough. I at the time didn't have my drivers license and he would always put me down about it. Why do I feel this way?!