I had a miscarriage on Dec 3rd, 2017. It was, and is, the most traumatic experience in my life. After a month or so went by I was feeling ready to try again. So in February 2018 my husband and I started trying again and we got blessed with another pregnancy which brings us to right now which is March 20th, 2018. I have already had an early ultrasound, everything looks good the way it should, at least that's what we were told. I should feel happy right? Ecstatic, over-joyed, excited... except I feel none of that. All I've felt since seeing those two hauntingly pink lines is fear, anxiety, pain. That digital form of the word pregnant across that tiny screen makes me terrified. I was watching a TV show with my husband tonight and this particular episode was all about one of the characters' miscarriage. And it hit home for me. I found myself balled up into the cove of my rock, my husband, as my eyes poured out tears faster than I could catch my breath. All I could think about was our first baby, the one we had lost not so long ago. About how our baby we are expecting now, would be like our baby we won't get to see. When we do get to have our baby, for the rest of our lives, I will look at that beautiful human being and think to myself, that baby of mine only gets live, because my other baby died. That child would not be here if my other child was. For the rest of my life, I will think about the baby we lost, what they would have looked like, what their personality would have been like, whose nose they would have had or eye color. I will forever grieve the loss of my baby, while praising and celebrating the life of my baby. And that, that is a really screwed up way to have to live.