I am NOT fine. ***Long post but hopefully worth it!***
On October 14th 2017 I found out my boyfriend of four years and I were expecting. We were terrified but overjoyed at the same time. I was a senior in college and he was a diesel mechanic. I was working full time in a Child Protection Unit within a County Attorney's Office. We were on our way to starting the life we always talked about after high school. Now by no means were we trying to get pregnant however, we weren't preventing it either. After a couple days of panic attacks and planning a our future for this baby our world came tumbling down. On October 18th 2017 at 7 weeks pregnant I miscarried our first baby. I was three hours away from my boyfriend and our families and none of my friends were aware that I was expecting. It was up to me to be strong and go through this miscarriage alone. So I did. My boyfriend stayed on the phone with me all night listening to me cry and scream in pain. It was the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt. The next day I stayed in my apartment and cried. Nonstop. I was absolutely torn apart. I went from feeling pregnant and having complete pregnancy brain to feeling empty. It was something I didn't have the words to explain. I blamed myself for the loss of our baby. As time went on I began to tell some close friends about my miscarriage. When they would check up on me I said I was doing fine. However, if I was being honest I was anything but fine. I was angry. I felt guilty that I couldn't protect my baby. I was their mother and I couldn't even do the most simple thing a mother can do... carry her baby. I felt like a complete and total failure. I shut myself down and began to resent anyone and everyone who announced their pregnancies. A few days after I lost my angel a classmate announced on facebook she was pregnant and her due date was the same as mine. Seeing that tore me apart. I also found out that I miscarried the same day the olympian Shawn Johnson miscarried her baby. We also miscarried at the same time in our pregnancies. I found comfort in knowing I wasn't the only one. But I was still angry. With every other baby announcement came another mental break down. With every ultrasound picture came another simple reminder that I failed my baby. I was in such a difficult place that I told my boyfriend I couldn't sleep with him anymore. I didn't want a baby. I longed for the baby we had. As time went by I began to heal a little more. Come February all I longed for was a baby of my own. I went baby crazy. I tried to get pregnant and my boyfriend knew I wanted to try again. Nothing could replace the baby I lost and I knew that but maybe if I had another baby the hurt would go away. Maybe the void I felt would fill in with love. In February my boyfriend and I went on vacation. During that vacation I was supposed to be ovulating. I thought this was our time. This was the month we were going to conceive. Boy was I wrong. At the end of the trip I began to feel like I was having early pregnancy symptoms. It felt like when I first felt like I was pregnant in October. Unfortunately I think it was my mind trying to trick my body into thinking this was our month. After I got my period I became angry. My boyfriend and I are fairly religious people. We have a strong faith and I honestly believe if it wasn't for him and my faith I would not have gotten through this. However, with that being said I was mad at God. I got so mad at him for the first time in my life and it wasn't because I wasn't pregnant it was because I lost my baby. It was because he gave me a Child and took it away before I even got the chance to meet him or her. I never got the opportunity to raise my child and that's why I was angry with him. Fast forward to now.... I'm still not okay. If I tell anyone I am fine it's a lie. On certain days it hits me like a train. I become overwhelmed with emotions and I usually either want to scream or burst into tears. I wish I could tell you I'm over this. I wish I could tell you the yearning for the child I lost has subsided. I wish I could tell you I have overcome this trial in my life but I haven't. I am still dealing with this everyday. People keep telling me I am a beautiful mom but I sure don't feel like a mother. I have good days and bad days but the point is I have gotten through this one day at a time. For anyone who is going through this I just want to tell you that your doing great. You're here and that alone is an accomplishment. Sometimes there isn't a huge happy ending. Sometimes the big victory at the end of the day is just getting through the day in one piece. For those of you who aren't fine. It's okay. Because I for one am not fine.