I want the courage to leave and stay gone..

I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head about this topic and not sure what to do.

I’m 18 and I’ve been my partner (who’s 20) for about three years, and this is been the shittiest three years I have ever lived through. Everything was fine at first when we first started dating my freshman year, I guess I just didn’t see the signs, everything just started going downhill.

He started off telling me that I couldn’t stand next to our mutual male friends, even some male friends that I had known longer than him, then that escalated to me not being allowed to have friends. He constantly told me that no one loves me, that he’s the only one that loves me, and that no one would ever love me.

From that came more verbal abuse and possessiveness, mental abuse which led to physical abuse. About a year and a half in I was pregnant. He’d choke me till I blacked out, curse me for carrying his child and go between raping me and being disgusted in me. I was an emotional mess, constantly sad and having anxiety attacks. He told me to get an abortion, so I did just to keep him in my life and keep my family happy. Which is the biggest mistake of my entire life.

As of now, I’ve grown a back bone. I confronted him and told him everything that he’s done, how I feel about myself and him. I’m about to graduate high school and I’m trying to figure my life out. I honestly hate this man so much, I want to leave and never look back. The hard part is I have no one, no friends or family (my family isn’t that close) to help me put myself back together. I never got closure on the abortion and I’m not past the abuse I experienced. Plus, if I leave him he’ll be a wreck and will lock himself in his house. Which will affect his mom, who is the sweetest woman ever, and might even lead to their homelessness.

I have so many mental and self esteem issues that it’s hard enough going through the daily motions of life. I finally want to try and move past all that. But I need to start by leaving. What do I do? How do I do it? Where can I get this courage from?

Also: He’s recently promised to start trying to be a better partner, I do not believe in him at all. He said that he was going to stop doing other things but hasn’t.