When does it get better?

Question

This post is for people like me who struggle with severe depression and anxiety. I say this because I am tired of people who don't know what that's like telling me "everything is going to be okay". Today I am 11 weeks pregnant and I've been having fluctuating thoughts of "Why did I do this to myself?" "What was I thinking?" "Am I going to be able to bond with a baby?" "Am I selfless enough to take care of a child?" "I wish I never did this".

I am really scared. Here's a bit of background on me. I was adopted by parents that had already raised kids and become grandparents by the time I born. There was a serious lack of bonding or love. I "should have been grateful I had a roof over [my] head, clean clothes, 3 meals a day..." I left that family before I even graduated high school due to too many personal details to go in to, and never looked back. Now, at 30 I am happily married with 3 fur babies, a house, a job, but the depression I started to feel before the age of 7 only ever grew to become a major crutch, one that has almost cost me my life multiple times.

Needless to say, I developed some serious fears of abandonment and I often lack the ability to truly bond with most people. I seek regular mental health care, biweekly which has been a blessing. I was warned that pregnancy might start to unravel my hard work and bring up suppressed emotions but I did not expect it this early. I seriously wish I could change things...(I know abortion exists, but for my husband and I who planned this pregnancy, that is 100% not an option.) I'm so scared that I'll be a horrible parent, not like abusive or like feeding the kid junk food all the time. I mean like disconnecting and being unable to bond. Like wanting to give it away. Like crying everyday from fear and stress. What if I shake it because it won't stop crying? What if I never want to hold it?

As you can see, my emotions are out of control. When do I stop feeling thus way? Does it ever get better?

Answer

Once your hormones begin to even out after you give birth, you will start to feel better. Make sure you let your doctor know how you are feeling this way everyone can keep an eye on you all the way up until birth and afterwards. 
Listen, becoming a parent is truly frightening for some people, especially if you’ve had a difficult childhood yourself. It’s a brand new experience that you’ve never done before and any kind of change that you’ve never done before can be truly scary! That’s really a normal feeling. When I got pregnant, I was absolutely terrified and cried!! I wanted my baby more than anything but was just so scared that I would not be enough for her. But my daughter loves me and I am a good mom, which I never thought I would be… But we are both thriving. My partner and I split up and things are hard and some days I’m not sure I can do it and I’m not sure I’m cut out for motherhood. But then I see that person that my daughter is becoming and I know that it’s not true. I AM cut out for motherhood. The proof is in the putting. I may not love every single thing about it, and sometimes I feel extremely overwhelmed, but goddamnit it’s worth it to see this tiny human blossom into this amazing person.
Some people do bond with their babies right away and some people don’t. It’s OK if you don’t right away but someday you will! So don’t even worry about it. After you have your baby, you’re going to still have feelings like this and you just have to give your hormones time to even out and then you’ll start feeling better and bonding more with your baby. The most important thing right now is to focus on the current moment and try not to look ahead so much and put your own thoughts (which may not even be accurate or true at all) into what could happen in the future. You truly don’t know how it’s going to be for you. So keep talking through it with your therapist but try to stay focused in the present moment when you are not in your therapist office.

Answer

In my opinion part of your anxiety might be coming from listening or reading other pregnant mothers reactions to pregnancy because most acts like it is soo natural and the moment the embriyo developed in their body they magically became “mother”. And of course because of your history you might think something is wrong with you because you don’t have it... Let me tell you, I think there is some degree of exaggeration is going there😂 I grew up in a perfect family, loved and all. But when I got pregnant  -after trying for 2 years and going through 2 IUIs and a miss carriage- I didn’t feel like most. I didn’t felt like a mother instantly. I didn’t became emotional or wasn’t dreaming about my baby all day. When I read all other people here talking about how it changed their life entirely already, I was like wtf is wrong with me..? Nothing. Because we are all different. Don’t get me wrong, I am not underestimating the issues you had with your family or not saying it is not gonna effect your relationship with your kid. It will. But it doesn’t need to be negative just because it is unusual or different. It doesn’t fit what society is used to, but it is beautiful in your own way. This is how you love; a bit anxious and overwhelmed but it is obviously there. You can and will define a new path of family and parenthood with your husband. 
I am a mother now, I still feel alienated when I talk other moms even to the point that I think I don’t love my kid as much as they do. But then I remembered myself that it doesn’t mean it is not enough love and caring just because I don’t express or live it like most.
Good luck and hope best for you🙏🏼

When does it get better?

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