Graduation (the valedictorian has the same name)

I know this may not seem like it’s much but I have really bad anxiety. I’m a perfectionist too, since I was younger I’ve always been the bread winner of my family. I learned how to read before I knew how to even walk. My family was so proud of me...around 2009 I was 9 years old when I got a boyfriend. My mom was distraught that I didn’t listen to her. As a young child because of what I did I was punished and neglected. They put me in a rigorous math school that taught me advanced math that I had to figure out all on my own. 100 paged packets a day and I wasn’t allowed to go out, draw, play and etc. My mom was the only person who I relied on. My father was in the navy so we didn’t have a great relationship. Then because of a simple mistake made at such a young age my mom and I lost our relationship too. Slowly I became depressed the work I did made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I felt sad and I felt like I didn’t have a childhood. Fast forward to my life I started to cut and become suicidal around middle school. I lost my grandmother from pancreatic cancer. We moved where she was and I didn’t have any friends. My grades slipped because of the new curriculum I was in. Then I started highschool where I wanted to fit in so badly. That desire led me to have terrible grades... I messed up my freshmen year and I dated someone in secret looking for the love I lacked. Only to be heartbroken and nearly raped. I began to focus more in relationships and really lost myself and I felt like I wasn’t smart anymore so I practically gave up. All four years I had my heartbroken and my grades were mediocre I’m at a 2.7 GPA. Now I’m a senior in highschool and it hit me when we had our senior award ceremony today that I wasted my education. Yet I can’t go back in time to fix it. To make it worse a girl with the same name as me is valedictorian. What’s the problem with that? My name is unique it’s Aila it’s only her and I in the school with that name. I know my parents would expect me to her. I’m afraid and embarrassed that I’m not. Now more than ever I feel like I’m not enough. When they call her name I’m afraid I’d break down and cry. That could have been me. I’m jealous and hurt. If I hadn’t gone through so much that could have been me. If I wasn’t depressed, shy, and anxious that could have been me. I’m scared to see the disappointed looks from my family when they cheer and see that that’s not me. I guess I just needed to rant because I feel so weak. I feel so useless. I have nothing that I’ve accomplished that I feel proud of.