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I just want to be comfortable in my own skin

Ra • Sun, Apr 15

As I’m typing this, I am going through a whole heap of mental and physical changes. I can’t even put into words my mixed emotions; my almost constant state of anxiety, my aching broken heart - but also a heart full of love for my incredible husband. It’s been a roller coaster these last three weeks for us.

At the 9 week ultrasound for our first child, we got the devastating diagnosis of a missed miscarriage. Two weeks later, I miscarried naturally at home - curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing and devastated. My dreams for this child - shattered.

I have always struggled with my body image. I was born with a cleft palate and that already made me look a little different then everyone else. Pair that with being extremely bullied as a child, you can see why I have struggled with mental health. I suffered from anorexia as a young adult, then traded one obsession for another and began getting involved with extreme exercising.

I met my husband and he made me feel so comfortable with myself. Not only that, but I surrendered myself to Jesus and He delivered me from anxiety and depression as well as my body image issues.

The beginning of pregnancy was different than I expected. I gained weight and had trouble eating healthy. I started fretting about my body- my already large breasts doubled in size and the bloat was incredibly unexpected. My clothes weren’t fitting right, but I had a baby growing inside of me- it was worth it and I didn’t care.

Flash forward to today. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I feel the voice coming back into my head telling me to eat healthy and work out- maybe a healthier me will result in a healthy pregnancy.

Loss is so hard to cope with, especially if you already struggle with mental health.

This is me -