(TW: Pregnancy Loss)

It looks like I’m out of the October ‘18 club. At our first ultrasound (11 weeks exactly), the baby was measuring 8 and had no heartbeat. They continued to monitor me, but nothing changed and there was no sign that my body was going to miscarry naturally, so my doctor recommended a D&C; before I was at risk of infections. I should have been 13 weeks. We weren’t able to get any of the remains back to bury or cremate, so I planted three different colors of Easter Cactus together. They’ll bloom every year in memory of this little one who never was; one color for each month that I was pregnant. I’d been referring to the baby with male pronouns, so we’ve decided to just go with that and are calling him “Shadow,” since that’s all we ever got to see of him.

My first pregnancy was hard. My daughter was diagnosed with trisomy 21, a large heart defect, and a duodenal blockage that needed immediate surgery or she wouldn’t have lived. I had too much amniotic fluid and had to have it drained twice. We went to the hospital every week and I went in bedrest at 28 weeks to try to stop preterm labor and then I had to be admitted to the maternal and fetal medicine floor at 31 weeks for twice daily monitoring and 3x/week ultrasounds. She was born a month early after 3 weeks in the hospital and we spent another 3 weeks in the NICU. She’s nearly 16 months now and about to have her 4th (and hopefully last) surgery.

We had both been hoping that this pregnancy would be healthy. Normal. No surprises and no drama. Maybe a pregnancy to redeem the last one. But life is kind of a jerk sometimes. We will be getting genetic screens before trying again, given our history.

I’m leaving the group because October 22nd is going to be hard enough already and I don’t think my heart can take the birth stories or beautiful baby photos. I wish you all the very best of luck. I hope your pregnancies are healthy and full of joy and love. Give those wonderful babies a little hug from me when you meet them. 💗