Blindingly depressed....

I’m not sure where to place this post. My son is 16 months, I’m not 100% sure when depression started creeping in, I know I’ve had glimpses of it here and there but I’ve always shoved it and done a pretty good job of fake it till you make it, you know? I was raped and fell pregnant in 2016, since then it’s been a “shove it and move on” deal. a few weeks ago I started going to therapy, I finally have decided to begin healing as i know I really avoided it and I won’t get better without addressing it, it’s affecting my day to day life, relationship, etc. well, since beginning therapy I understood things would get worse before they got better. But to be 100% honest I’m considering stopping treatment for the sake that I felt better previous to starting. My doctor was very clear she doesn’t believe in meds (which I don’t typically either, I want to truly and deeply heal, but does this mean I am going to truly and deeply hurt as well? I’m afraid so) and her form of therapy takes about 4-6 months to see an improvement. She’s diagnosed me with severe PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

As I’m getting ready for bed, utterly nauseous from the amount of sugar I ate today in an attempt to boost my energy and just feel okay (which I’m well aware is not an effective way to go about that) I’m staring into the mirror spaces out just going though me motions and begin realizing I am blindingly depressed. So depressed it is blinding me, and making me a numb person, more than before.

Every little thing makes me want to sob-I’m not a crier. I feel numb. I’ve felt numb since the incident but I’ve for the most part always been able to feel an all consuming feeling of love toward my son. I can’t feel that the last two weeks, well I can but far less than normal which scares me. That has been my anchor. I probably also way overloaded my plate way too fast with events, mom group, play dates, projects, two new jobs, starting back with school, momin 24/7 etc. it’s all just piling on too high for me to deal with it all. I don’t know what to do, or how to help it.

I’m overwhelmed in every way possible. Our WiFi went out and I usually do my homework/self work during my sons nap time/after bed time/before he wakes, but now cannot as we have to be at my parents in order for me to do this so I have to do it while he is awake and that has created a cycle. he is lashing out because I’m gone way more than usual,(only 15 hours, but still... I’ve worked since he was 6 Weeks but always had him with me, so working away is new for us both.) he screams 98% of the time and thrashes and honestly beats the hell out of me I don’t even know how to handle him. (He bites, head butts, scratches, slaps, flails, slams himself into the ground, etc.) im so at a loss on how to effectively and lovingly deal with him.

In the time since I’ve started therapy my car has had issues, the WiFi went out, I’ve gotten locked out of my home, everyone who says they are there for me is MIA (this may be my own doing because I am unable to accept help), I’ve been working HARD on projects for our church, for other moms, etc. my brother got diagnosed with kidney disease(he’s only 17), my grandpa had to have an emergency open heart surgery, my grandma has been leaning on me hard (reasonably so, but it’s hard), and so on. I’m also blessed in so many ways, and can probably counter each one of these negatives with a positive but I am WIPED.

I don’t know what to do, where to turn. I never feel like we have enough time at my appointments, I almost wish they were 2 hours long and every 2 Weeks because I feel like when we’ve just gotten started is when we have to wrap up. I just don’t onowwhat to do, or how to deal. Any help would be appreciated or just encouraging words. All the things I’ve stuffed for so long the therapist is validating and I’ve stuffed them for survival reasons, and to be the best mom I can be. Now I feel like a shit mom with lots of issues that are unaddressed. 😢t