Just felt like it helps to share and if it helps someone all the better ❤

At my 10 week prenatal my midwife described my pregnancy as perfect and easy. I had brown/pink spotting here and ther but that's normal and it's only really worrisome if it's red. All was really good until the ultrasound. The baby was 7 weeks big and without a heartbeat.

I started bleeding red the very next day, maybe because I stopped hydrating. Drank nothing but wine and vodka the rest of the day, then coffee. I dont think I drank any water for a full 24hours. After a day of bleeding like a heavy period I miscarried that night. Lots of bleeding, all at once like a gushing of blood. And huge clots of tissue, that I didn't have the heart to look at.

Cramping was not that bad. Tylenol and heat pad handled it well and after a few hours the worst was over. I bled heavily for the next few days, mild cramping just for one day after. It was like a normal period in every way then. Except the bleeding lasted longer than I'm used to.

All told I bled for 7 days exactly. The last day was a light period with some light clotting remnants. It wasnt actually that bad physically because I was expecting so much worse. I guess it's different for everyone.

Emotionally, I don't really mourn the baby I lost. Im very scientific minded and I know it just wasn't viable and its good my body miscarried now rather than later. I do mourn the future I lost though. I miss the Christmas I was planning with a newborn. I miss being pregnant with friends, due only months apart. I miss the crib I was looking to buy, the nursery I wanted to create. I miss all the events this summer I planned on being pregnant for.

I'm ready to keep trying and heal from the lost. I'm still sad but I'm also hopeful. Hanging onto that.