I need something but i don't know what (bpd)

I'm 30 and have been diagnosed as BPD for about 3 years now. mine comes with severe depression and anxiety and I recently stopped seeing my therapist because she was not helping at all. I knew there was something wrong with me when I was young because I lied constantly, manipulated people and as I got older I got into drugs and promiscuity and eventually started cutting. i have never been able to keep a relationship for longer than a year and I've given up at this point. I had a period a few years ago where I was doing ok with a therapist I liked but I stopped seeing her. Now I just feel so empty and the depressive side of my disease is coming back with a vengeance. I have calmed down greatly but the only thing keeping me sane right now is my rock climbing which I do 3x a week. the other days I don't go I usually think about killing myself (i have notes written out all in my purse and around my room) and its really difficult to get out of bed and go to wkrk most days. I'm in so much pain but I just don't know what to do and I have no friends and no one to talk to. most days I sit in my room cutting or staring at the wall until I pass out into horrible dreams. I'm just so afraid of the cycle continuing because I don't think I can take another serious episode or breakdown again-the older I get the worse they become. i just feel really alone and trapped in my own mind.