mothering is a lonely job
I am a ftm and a sahm who watches another baby the same age as mine. we moved right after our baby was born to a house 2 hours away from our families. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety. It was better while I was pregnant but it has slowly been creeping back in with a vengeance. My husband works a stressful job with inconsistent hours. So do the parents of the baby I watch, so the hours I watch the baby later some days unexpectedly. I feel like the only thing in my life that is consistent is the cycle of diapers, making and washing bottles and crying babies. Financially we are struggling with all the new payments and my job change. We are also constantly exhausted. Neither feels like it is easy to vent to the other about stuff since we are both struggling. I am happy in my marriage, we've been together more than half our lives. We have a new house and a new baby. I know mentally I should be happy but emotionally I feel terrible. Anxiety attacks are on the edge every day.
I have felt isolated for a while now. I know I have friends but no one to open up to about these feelings. Sometimes I feel like I don't have friends at all. When we were pregnant, I thought that the mother of the baby I watch would be a good person to vent to about stuff I felt but now that I am watching her baby I feel like it's a bad idea to vent to her because then she will see me as incapable of taking care of her child and I will lose my job.
There is so much going on with me emotionally and I keep trying to stop ot from spiraling but it keeps building up.