I would rather lose whatever faith this is that I have right now in order to find true faith, than to live like this forever.

I have transformed over the last 2 years from super strict, slightly judgmental perfectionist to open-minded, deep-thinking realist.

I have realized that the way I used to view God is totally wrong. He's not angry, condemning, and sitting with His back to me ignoring me.

But I don't know who God is really. Despite being raised in the church since birth by two Christian parents, I don't really know God. The thing that scares me is that I might be so rebellious after all those years of obedience, I might end up rebelling against God. Obviously if I'm aware of this fear, that won't happen, right?

I know that if I was to get advice from my old self, it would be to pray and read the Bible. But I don't believe that is the cure. I think that God wants all of us with him in heaven and that he has a plan to get each one of us to be in relationship with Him. My relationship with God started young, and while I have questioned the existence of God, I truly believe he must exist.... it's kind of hard not to when all I've ever known has been a world where God exists. Anyway, I think if God has something to say to me, He is the almighty and glorious God, so he's capable of getting the message across.

I just wondered if any other ladies have understood the place I'm in. Please try to make sure your comments are not messages of advice, but rather words based on your own personal experience. I want to leave the advice to God and ask for your respect for that decision.