Sorry it's been a few days... I'll check messages and get back to everyone. Things were really good. Last night, he went through my phone and saw I had asked my maintenance man for a fork (I'm a property manager). He asked if the guy knew I was pregnant and I told him, yes I told him after the ultrasound. We fought until 5 this morning. He threatened my maintenance guy and hes had to turn it in. I'm sitting here waiting on upper management. I think I may lose my job over this. I was going to stay another week to collect a full paycheck... And those few days made me think things were possibly going in the right direction. Around 4 a.m. I almost fell asleep... I had ice cold water dumped on me and then he threw the glass at my mouth. My blanket blocked enough of the blow that I didnt chip a tooth.

I'm sorry for all the updates. I really appreciate the support. Last night, when I got home, things took a turn for the worse. I had forgotten some box of his back from where I'm from. He threw a bottle of vitamins at me and they scattered all over the floor. He demanded I pick them up or leave. I said I would leave but needed to get my belongings. I started grabbing what was important to me and he called his friend. He put it on speaker phone where he proceeded to talk to some girl that said "I hope you look as hot as you sound." He ended up hanging up on her and said "See? See how easy it is to have you replaced?" This broke me. I sat on the floor crying until he made me get up to help him clean up the pills. This morning was normal...until all of a sudden it wasnt. He is demanding that I get an abortion. He doesnt want any kids, my kids nor this kid. I asked him if I could just come home and pack my things (I'm at work). I told him I would never give up my children, we were always a package from the beginning. He said he didnt know what he wanted anymore. He had bad dreams last night. Scary bad dreams. I thought i was in a horror movie. He was moving his head weird, you know how crazy people shake in a horror movie? Kind of like that. It was almost unearthly. He kept saying he saw someone in the room. I was so scared that I cried. Later, he punched me twice in his sleep. I told him this morning he should call his pastor. I've never seen anything like that before :( I have accepted that it's ok. I can go back home. I had a nice talk with my mom and she assured me that we could figure this out. just leave. I'm having trouble accepting the fact that he will move on so quickly. That is one of my biggest hurdles right now. Doesnt that seem so silly? This man that treats me like shit, it bothers me that he will have another woman replace me...

Today is Mothers Day. Happy Mothers Day to you all. I've been told that it doesnt matter, my children are my ex husbands sperm. I'm not a mother to his child. Why should it matter if its Mothers Day? Yesterday, I missed one of his good days. He was up all night doing cocaine, I can always tell. He was sweet over the phone. Wanted the baby. Begged me to come home early with my kids (I'm at my moms for the weekend). I cant take this anymore. The up and down is too much. I sincerely wish it was just all bad. The higher he brings me, the harder it hurts the next day when I fall. My current plan is to stay three more weeks. I need to make sure I get another full paycheck so I can afford to leave. I just hope I can mentally get through these next few weeks. You ladies are really my rock right now. I read these comments over and over and it keeps my head straight. You really have no idea how much it helps ❤

UPDATE 2: I am pretty much numb right now. We had a good couple of days but it didnt take long for me to fuck up again. In November, he cursed at a cop over the phone. This was after a neighbor called the cops after seeing him hit me with a package in the yard. They put a warrant out for his arrest. In January, when I left him, I called a cop to escort me because I felt unsafe. He wasnt there but ended up showing up and got arrested (they hadn't served him with the warrant yet). Today, he found out that his probation officer found out about it and while they were actually letting him off early for good behavior, they arent now. So, he is demanding I start paying his probation every month or I can get out. I'm a piece of shit, a cunt, you name it. I'm going to my moms for the weekend and I'm scared to leave. I'm scared of what he may do as revenge, whether it be on my belongings or maybe worse. He said I needed to schedule an abortion because he doesnt want any ties with me. I called, which is why I feel in a state of shock. I wanted this baby but I know that if we break up, it would tie us together forever and that scares me too. I'm 90 percent sure I cant go through with it. The medical procedure terrifies me and who will be there with me? The man that is abandoning me basically? Hes not going to miss two days of work to take care of me. It has to happen in Chapel Hill because of me being so far along. It's funny how quickly life can change. Ten minutes before I was being yelled at, he kissed me goodbye and couldn't wait to see me later. A neighbor dropped off cookies, welcoming me to the neighborhood and made me late for work. Before I left the neighborhood, it all came crashing down. Again.

UPDATE: Last night was a pretty typical evening. Nothing happened of any significance. This morning, I realized I had forgot to buy coffee. I havent been able to stomach hot coffee and normally, he doesnt even drink it. He wanted it yesterday and this morning, of course. He got a little upset but still hugged me bye. Asked me to please remember to bring in my planner at night to write things down. He called me from the gym, really mad. Screaming he doesnt want a family. And that he has to look at other girls because I've gained weight. If I didnt like it, I shouldnt have gained weight. I said "I'm pregnant...." He started in on my kids (who are finishing school with my mom but are supposed to move here in less than a month). Did I schedule an abortion yesterday? God would forgive him for this. I told him I had to finish getting ready. I'd go to work, turn in my keys, and I'd leave today. That I understood he doesnt want a family but I'm already a "family". You may can get rid of a pregnancy but you cant get rid of kids. And just like that "Mami... are you leaving me? I get so grouchy.. I have to work on my day off and it just makes me so grouchy." 😶 Like he didnt just make me sob on the phone. I got myself together and headed to work. I really started thinking... This man is 50 years old. I'm not really that bad of a catch. Any man would be lucky to have someone like me. If this man doesnt see how much I love him and thinks he can go find some 20 year old who will love him the way hes acting, hes wrong. If he doesn't want me, my kids, or even his own child... I'm going to sit here and be miserable and give love without getting any in return? Cry every day for the rest of my life? No... That's no way to live. I have to keep this mindset. I'm not ready to go pack my things but I think I'm heading in that direction. I have to keep thinking that I'm too good for this. I know that I cant abort this baby. I have felt it move.... I'm 32. I wanted another baby. He wanted another child... He may give up on it and change his mind but I'm not. So if that's a deal breaker, so be it. Obviously, he has commitment issues among many other things. I cant thank you ladies enough for the positive comments and all the private messages. It's been so helpful.

It's me again...

Saturday, my boyfriend cried and told me how sorry he was. He had been so hard on me. He was scared about the baby and taking it out as anger on me. He said he never wanted an abortion as he had said previously, many times. He put his hand on my stomach and said he was never letting go again. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and that was the first time he even did that... He told me he wanted me to quit my job because he knew I had so much to do and take care of. We figured out all my bills and he said hed pay them plus give me $1000 a month for whatever I needed. That part, I didnt even care about. Here are the screenshots from this morning. My dog woke him up barking. She has to stay in garage because he doesnt allow her in the house. I really just need a friend right now :(