I had to cut him off.

Long story short, I was "talking" to this guy for six months and I have been waiting for him to ask him out. We have had sex and all that. He was my first guy, first date, first kiss, first sex, first everything. I realized I have been led on something and turns out he isn't "ready for a relationship." Mind you that we have quite an age gap (18 & 24). His reasoning was that we both are in two different stages in life and he couldn't give me the attention I want/need. (He's had days or weeks he didn't contact me at all, and now that make sense). And that I deserve so much better. I felt used but he assure me he wasn't, and still wants to be friends with me. Which I clearly rejected. I told him it would have to take a while for me to take my feelings off for him and eventually become friends.

So yeah, I feel like crap.. I went to school today with sore eyelids and I cried about two times in one of my classes and in the lockerrooms in front of my tennis teammates. For some reason I could not stop myself from crying though I know it's stupid.

But I know I will get through this. This is only the start of me making memories and getting to know myself (learn more).