I just need to vent.

We have a one month old and my husband has managed to make me feel like the shittiest person on an almost weekly basis.

I’m a SAH and my husband has an office job, the typical 8am-5pm, with flexible hours. He generally wakes up with our baby around 6-630am for a feeding and then he is off to get ready for work. That essentially leaves me with the kiddo for pretty much the whole day.

I ended up having a c-section and was told by the doctor to take it easy. This hasn’t been the case at all. Just last week, I had to go in for a last minute check up because my incision was bleeding. Thankfully it was a small superficial tear and the doctor quickly patched it up. But she reminded me to take it easy again. That night, my husband, knowing I went to the doctor, came home around 6pm and announced that he had a headache and would be taking a nap for a couple of hours. That left me to walk the dog with the baby and prepare dinner and on top of that, hope that the baby wouldn’t be hungry. Husband woke up after a couple of hours and didn’t even bother acknowledging the fact that I cooked dinner and walked the dog. He just sat down and got to eating.

The next day, he came home at about 730pm because he wanted to do happy hour with his friends. He complained about being tired.

At the end of the week, he came home and once again said he had a headache and needed a nap. I again was stuck walking the dog with the baby.

Tonight he encouraged me to go out with my mom for an early Mother’s Day dinner. I was so excited to be out of the house, even if it was just for a couple of hours. I made sure to pump milk for baby’s feedings. I got home after 2.5 hours and he was pissed because my timing was wrong for leaving. I left around 630pm and the baby woke up, so he had to feed him, which meant he couldn’t cook his dinner right then and there. When he finally did cook his dinner, the baby woke up so he didn’t get the chance to eat it. When he did have the chance to eat it, it was cold, so he had to reheat it, and it tasted shitty. Not knowing most of this when I walked in, all I could sense was that he was frustrated. I tried to give him a hug and he pushed me away and told me to not even try to hug him and gave me the rundown of his night. All I could say was “really?” as I took our baby up to the nursery to rock him to sleep. Ended up the baby was awake because he was still hungry.

Last week, he accused me of starving our baby because he’s always hungry.

When he’s watching tv and our baby is crying, he can’t be bothered to address what is wrong unless it’s because he can’t hear the tv. At that point, he’ll ask “how can I help” or just turn up the volume.

I try not to complain because I know it’s been tough on him, too. But it’s just becoming too much. I fantasize about leaving him but I don’t know how to. I can’t bear to lose my baby boy, especially with me being a SAH. And I know that if husband gets custody of him, he’ll just leave my baby with whoever. And I’d rather my baby be with me than some stranger.

I know the anger and frustration could be due to baby blues and just sheer exhaustion. But man, I have never felt so unloved and unappreciated.

Happy first Mother’s Day to me. :(