Breaking point

Breaking point

I wish I could tell how it happened, I wish I could tell how they touched and touched my body I wish I could tell how it was females and it was never my fault man I hate people I really wish I could tell someone , one day I will and that day will be the best day in my life , I’ve reached a breaking point and I need to be alone maybe forever, I could never trust another soul and I wonder was it my fault , did I allow this to happen to me but then I think I couldn’t do a thing summer camp I will always hate it . It was 4 on 1 I was 8 they were all older , I hate them I hate them so much now I can’t ever show emotion , I can’t even look at people without thinking they’ll hurt me . I hate myself for never telling anyone but they don’t understand how hard it is to say I was touched by females they held me in a bathroom stall and touched my body I felt terrible and disgusted that’s why i don’t want anybody to touch me or hug me I can’t even let my family touch me . I really don’t like how the situation made me , I was only a baby I didn’t even start puberty , and everytime she asked did anybody touch you I lied and said no I’ve been lying my whole life . I still feel disgusted to this day I just really hope nothing like that happens to my siblings or cousins . Will they look at me differently if I ever told what happened maybe but I don’t want the attention on me . I don’t want them to feel bad for me . Because even though this happened i learned not to trust anyone not even my closest friends this is probably the worse thing that’s ever happened to me I don’t even feel comfortable in my body . I laugh to hide all of the pain and to the 4 girls who did it I hope they get hurt the way I did and I hope their traumatized as much as I was . It’s been 8 years and I’m still thinking about it , I thought maybe I could try to forget about it but that never happened no matter how much I try to forget I still relive the day in my dreams no nightmares because that’s what that day was to me a real nightmare. I wish I wasn’t so small and I wish I could’ve screamed and told somebody after but I couldn’t and it took 7 years for it to really it me I was basically raped by females and at the age of 14 to 15 I was depressed from it but I still didn’t speak up. I wish I knew their names but I still remember their faces and how they were laughing and hitting and touching me . Sometimes I ask god why me , why’d they have to ruin my life . I remember it was a few months after and I was thinking about killing myself but I was scared . Maybe I should’ve went through with it , atleast I wouldn’t have to relive it over and over and over again in my nightmares and in my head . Just the simplest touch reminds me of what happened... I wish I could tell and then I’d be free but the thing is I don’t want to be treated differently . I’m the same person kind of even though it happened I would never go back to the old me .