I have a bf but.. I went on a date

We had been going through a rough patch and I wanted to start the process of getting over him. I just wasn’t feeling good about the relationship, its like I DONT want to be without him, but it’s rocky. I feel as if he could be talking to someone else too. And I was telling someone about us and they were like “I think you love him” I do love him, neither of us has said it. I don’t feel like this is a good time for me to even say it to him. We’re both stubborn. I feel like he’s the main one pulling/holding back. I don’t understand why!! He disappears sometimes at night, and doesn’t respond. And I really don’t it’s a secure relationship, I need security and I don’t know what to ask or how to get that. It’s like we will be good, he will have my hopes up, and he just suddenly stops being consistent( damn Pisces🙄) I asked him the other day to go bowling and he said “it’ll come” wth, we haven’t done anything in probably two months!! But anyways, I went on a date, I had second thoughts the whole time, I was thinking about my man the WHOLE time, couldn’t enjoy myself, everything was so awkward, I left. I couldn’t do it, I know I’m wrong.