I just need to spill it

May 31st I lost my baby boy. He was going to be 9 months old in a week. He was the youngest of 4 boys. On Wednesday we will be putting him to rest. My heart aches as I realize this will be the last day I get to hold my baby. the last day I get to touch him and dress him. I will put my hands on his soft hair for the last time and physically see him for the last time. the day he died has been playing on repeat in my head. He took his last breath in my arms. I hope he felt every ounce of my love. I hope he knows I tried to save him. even when I knew my efforts were pointless I kept going. I fought for him. one of the difficult things is that day started like any other day. My boys were all playing together on the living room floor just like every morning. when my baby started choking. I did all I could until EMT got there. He stopped breathing in my arms. I did CPR, I can still hear the EMT talking me through it counting. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. they tried to save him too. they couldn't establish an air way and by the time they got through it was too late. He went into cardiac arrest and they could revive him. the day before this happened my older boys were playing with water balloons. one got tracked in the house and that's what my baby choked on. a stupid balloon! I will never forgive myself for this.