Still hurts.. long post ahead

So, when I was in my senior year of high school I started a long distance relationship. We would Skype for up to 17 hours every day. We played video games in all our free time. We grew SO close, I’d never felt so safe and comfortable with some one. He lifted me up, i was in such a dark place when we met. My world was just me being alone, going to work, coming home and sleeping and other self destructive behaviors I won’t get into. I didn’t want to be alive. He made me want to live again. I’m choking up typing this.

After a year of being together, I moved 170 miles away from everyone I ever knew to be with him. The first few months were amazing until I discovered all the girls he’d been sexting from the moment we’d been together.. though it dropped drastically after I moved in. There was really only one incident in the two years we lived together and I’d tried to move on and forgive him. But discovering the things he’d done literally crushed my spirit. How on earth can some one pick you up and show you a reason to not end it all and then turn around and betray you like that?? He turned into a whole nother person. Mocking me when I was depressed and telling me he didn’t care. We made a HUGE decision together that left me feeling so much sadness and regret but he didn’t care and couldn’t care to be there for me.

Well, in September 2016 I found out that I was pregnant and he told me it him or the baby. I chose our baby. She was a part of me and the person I loved most in the world. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it!! He let me live with him for a while after anyway, we carried on as normal but once I hit 27 weeks pregnant and our lease was up he still wanted me to go. So I moved back to my hometown and didn’t tell his family just like he wanted. (I wound up telling them when she was two months old)

I just don’t know now. I haven’t cried a lot but it still hits me with this horrible crushing feeling when I remember all the good times. The love I felt for him. I don’t feel like I can ever have that again. He’s the person I’ll always be in love with. It’s been over a year now and it still kills me. I don’t think about him every day anymore.. but it still gets me so hard and recently I’ve finally started crying over it. I don’t know what to do. I still love him so much, I can’t let it go. I don’t ever bug him about it.. but I do send him pictures of our daughter and he doesn’t even care about her. He’s seen her once. How can I still be in love with such a mean person? I don’t regret my decision to leave him and keep her. But I get so sick thinking about the past.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. Sorry if I sound like a baby.