I don’t know how to format this to have it make sense but I guess I just need to rant. I’ve been sexualized since I was at least 9 years old. It started with catcalling, then adult men began taking pictures of me- both of my body and up my skirt- in public; on the bus, at the mall, even when I had just finished a hike with my family. Nowhere was safe. I was 11 when it first happened and it continued every couple of months until I was 14 and a half.

On my 14th birthday, I was touched for the first time. I couldn’t move. To me, all the men who had made me feel dirty and scared for the past 5 years were suddenly in that room, making me terrified all over again.

When I was 13, 1 man took pictures of me twice in just under a month in two separate neighborhoods. I thought he was following me. I confronted him and he revealed he had already put the pictures online and that he liked pictures of “girls like me”. I didn’t know about voyeurism until then. I didn’t realize pictures of me and “girls like me” were online.

I don’t know how to cope with any of this. I’ve been to therapy but halfway through my treatment I got touched and my mental health plummeted. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and PTSD related anger issues and DID, but the DID has mostly gone away. I’m almost 16 now and I’m interested in boys but every time something even remotely physical like kissing or non-sexual touching has nearly happened, Im filled with dread and I end the relationship. However, when I was younger, I went through a phase of hypersexuality (which is common in sexual assault survivors) which further ruined my mental relationship with sex and romance.

I feel like because of the trauma, I’m never going to be able to trust men. I can barely deal with going to friends’ houses when their dads are home. I struggle to trust women who have shown interest in me as well because I was touched by a girl. I just feel like so much has been taken from me and I don’t know how to get it back. If anyone has been through the same thing have you been able to trust anyone or have a positive relationship with men?