I've been reading posts on Glow for months and felt like I had no place to post anything. I don't know why, I just felt like no one would listen or care because that's what has happened whenever I talked about TTC on other forums or in person to friends. But I'm so depressed and have no one to turn to so I'm giving this a try. I don't know what I expect, I think I just need a good cry.

I'm 26, my fiance is 27. We've been together for over 8 years. The only reason we're not married is because his dad was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we got engaged. Buddy passed away a couple months ago and we've been talking about finally tying the knot but haven't made any serious plans. However we have been having purposefully unprotected sex for 6 years or so as a halfhearted TTC. We decided to really TTC at the beginning of this year since leaving it up to fate wasn't working.

I did have a miscarriage in 2014 that devastated me. Shortly after I was diagnosed with major depression with psychosis and anxiety. I've been doing well on my meds since 2016 or so and my psych thinks I can start working my way off of them. But in 2017 I developed a vertigo problem that causes me to vomit ~4x in an hour and be completely bedridden if I don't have a certain medication. I recently had an MRI to try to find the source of this and the neurologist said they "found something" but wanted a CT scan before they'd say more. However I'm functioning as normally as I can and enjoying most of my days.

I first decided I wanted to be a mother in 8th grade. At that time I was taking care of my younger twin siblings after school and had a pretty good idea of what went into being a mom. My mother was pretty absent in my early years and put much of the responsibility of taking care of the twins on me. I decided that I wanted to get married in my early twenties and have my first child before 25. Obviously that plan has failed, but the desire to be a mother has only grown stronger over the years.

Since the beginning of TTC I've been in and out of forums and medical advice sites. I've been tracking my BBT mostly regularly, recording my fluids and symptoms, etc. etc.. but other than the one miscarriage there's been no evidence that I am even fertile.

I started talking to my OBGYN about fertility a couple months ago. They had some bloodwork done and mentioned the possibility that I have PCOS, but other than that they don't seem to be in any hurry to help me.

I'm posting today because I am 10 days past my expected period. I had very sore breasts, fatigue, and some spotting. I was so sure that this might be it that when I went to get my CT scan I told them I might be pregnant even though I had already had 2 BFNs. They made me test again and it too came back negative. I called my OBGYN and they made me an appt for 2 weeks out. But I was hopeful and I had an appt with my PCP this morning for Rx refill. I decided to mention it to her. Just in case I did another test when I woke up. Negative. She had me do a urine test in the office. Negative. She gave me a lab order for a blood test which I had done on my way in to work. I got the results back just a little while ago. Very negative.

I'm just so sad. I feel defeated and depressed and hopeless. I want this so badly. I want to cry and be comforted by someone but my fiance has his new job to worry about and I don't want to annoy or stress him out with my obsession. I have one friend I normally talk to about everything but she is not even in a romantic relationship and is Very far from starting a family. I am no longer in contact with my own family either.

In short I feel so alone. And stupid. We aren't in the best position financially but we're getting there, and obviously my health isn't great. I feel like people will judge me for wanting a child under these circumstances but it's been my dream for so long that i can't give up no matter what my logic tells me. I don't know what to do anymore or who to go to. No one seems to care about how badly I need this, nor do they know what I want to hear. All my fiance can do is offer cuddles and suggest we do it more often next month. I'm so broken.

I'm sorry this is so long, I needed to get this all off my chest. If anyone is reading this I hope you are more optimistic and enjoying your journey. I'd send baby dust but I feel like that would just spread my bad luck, if something so trite could be to blame for my misery.