Hi, this is kinda new and weird for me to be posting all my personal shit cuz I’m a pretty reserved person and I never really share stuff with people. But I’m really struggling and I don’t know what else to do. I’m 16 years old (female) and I have been diagnosed with depression recently and I’ve battled anxiety pretty much my whole life, especially in elementary school. My mother has depression also and the anxiety I think stems from my fathers constant illness. He has had major heart issues and got a heart transplant 5 years ago, and is currently dealing with kidney failure and full body sepsis. Growing up, things would happen spontaneously that would fuck up everything and I guess that just always put me on edge. I missed a lot of school because of hospital visits with my dad so I never really got to make too many friends because of the longstanding rumors about me being out of school. I’m thankful to have an amazing loving and supportive group of people now who I know have my back, but it’s hard for me to confront my personal issues with other people face to face because I get really anxious over it. I wish I could go to them for help more often but I’m too paranoid about being a burden and coming off as annoying and whatever. That sounds dumb. But you get what I mean. Anyways, body issues, everyone’s favorite topic!!! It’s really hard being surrounded by literally GORGEOUS friends with perfect model bodies and faces which 3/4 have boyfriends and are all very happy people who don’t have the luxuries of my life. One of my friends however also is battling depression but I’m too afraid to talk with her because I feel like I’m just complaining over meaningless bullshit while she has really much worse issues than I do and I don’t wanna like be rude like that you know what I mean? Like imagine if you just broke your leg and your friend comes to you crying over a bruise on her leg. This analogy makes no sense, but the point is I don’t want her to think I’m trying to one up her or compete on who’s life is worse you know because that’s really not my intention. Anyways back to my body shit. I know I’m not pretty, I’m awkwardly tall, chubby mainly in the stomach area, covered in stretch marks, have pale vainy skin, acne, a double chin, brown plain hair, thin 00s eyebrows that won’t grow, a cracky voice, braces, small boobs, small butt, and man feet. I weigh around 170 lbs and I’m 5’10. Summer is here and all my beautiful friends are always wearing adorable bathing suits at the beach but I just can’t bring myself to go out in one. I get way too anxious even when it’s just a private pool or anything. It’s so annoying because I want to be able to have fun and my dumb brain won’t allow me to because I’m all fucked. I know a lot of these issues I can change but 1) I have literally zero motivation because I feel worthless 99% of the time. My value to society is 0, and there’s no point in even trying because I can never accomplish anything anyways because I mess everything up. 2) I have lost 45 lbs in the past and I have now returned 15 lbs shy of my starting weight. It’s really throws salt in the wound because I was doing so well for myself (I reached around like 140) and I threw it all away this year because the mental pressures just became too much for me and I began binge eating again. I used to be on a very strict diet and workout regiment eating 1,200 calories a day and running a mile or 2 every morning and doing a bunch of strength training. I feel like I’ve ruined all the progress I spent so long making and I hate myself because of it. I have been starting up my diet again, starting at 1,600 calories a day but I’m too afraid to start working out. Every time I run I feel like I’m going to throw up and I have a very bad phobia of vomiting. At a track meet a while back I threw up after my race and now every time I work out I keep thinking about it and make myself nauseous. I wish I could be my old self again, I wasn’t happy but I was a better person, I didn’t stay inside all day, I went to the beach with my girls, I loved shopping like normal teenagers do. Now I can’t even step foot into a store without getting nervous about what my size will be this time. I haven’t bought any clothes since like September of 2017 because I’m too afraid to see myself not fit in anything. A few weeks ago my mother took out all the shorts from the closet summer bin so we could fill it up with my winter stuff so I could fit the clothes I needed in my tiny dresser thingy, and I tired on the shorts, not a single pair fit and I had a meltdown. I was a size 6 and now I’m a 12, and I feel so stupid for complaining about this bullshit because there’s so many worse things going on in the world instead of my stupid insecurities but I’m tired of keeping everything in. I’m pretty sure nobodies gonna read this long ass thing but that’s fine I just need to write it down and get it out. Now guys. 3 of my gorgeous friends have boyfriends and are in happy relationships I wish I could have. I feel so unwanted and undesirable 24/7. A guy has never liked me, never called me pretty, I’ve never had any experience with guys ever and all my friends have and it makes me feel so left out and strange. Also coming from a town where pretty much everyone has lost their virginities by freshman year, you can say it makes me feel really alone and not normal. I mean I should’ve at least had a guy call me pretty by now. And I know guys aren’t everything and I don’t need a man to make me happy but it would be nice getting some validation from time to time and I want to feel the happiness my friends all radiate with when they are with their boyfriends. Like I just feel so rejected all the time and unwanted and useless I can’t do this anymore. I just wanna have the same experiences as all the other 16 year old girls in the world, the good, the bad, the relationships, the breakups, all of it. I’m missing out on so much because of my appearance, lack of motivation, and lack of self confidence. I know I turn people off because I am pretty standoffish and it’s just a defense mechanism because I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m pretty quiet and I apparently have “hard body language” but I don’t even know wtf that means and I don’t know how to change that. I am a strong girl, I am tough too, not really a girly girl at all. And I think that intimidates a lot of teenage guys because I’m not easy I guess. I don’t even know. I just have really scary thoughts a lot of the time and the meds aren’t really having an impact even though I keep upping my dose. I’m so embarrassed and nervous to post this even though I know nobody’s gonna read my sad, pathetic pity story, but whatever. I just want everything to stop and I don’t know how to get it to do that. I’m desperate for something and I’m scared and I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do anymore, so I’m here. Thanks if you read this, you don’t have to reply, just thank you for listening to my brain vomit at least.