I just got out of a two year long abusive relationship. It was not physically abusive although it was escalating and it could have been had it lasted much longer. Because he didn't HIT me, it was a lot harder for me to admit to myself the warning signs I was seeing while I was in it.

Looking back, I see it all now clearly now. And I'm horrified that I ever let it happen to me. But that's what I want to talk to you ladies about, the abuse that doesn't LOOK like abuse.

He convinced me that everything was my fault-- always. He never took ownership of the actions he took or things he said that were hurtful. He'd mock me if I cried. He taught me my feelings and my thoughts didn't matter.

He was manipulative and used my past experiences and trauma to say "look how good you have it now." He'd regularly tell me how he "deserved better than me" and how "if he could get me, he could get anyone."

I was raped in the past and he used it as leverage to put me down. He would complain about how long it took me to become ready for Sex and tell me how much he missed his sex life before me.

He would punch my walls, scream at me, slam on the brakes in the car while driving if I said something he didn't like/ or drive recklessly to scare me.

He would refuse to have sex with me and then blame my rape for why he didn't want to.

He would speak poorly of me to his friends and family-- convincing them (and myself) that I was crazy.

He'd regularly tell me that I would never have better than him.

If I ever tried to talk to him about something that he had said or done to hurt me he would BLOW UP on me, until I was too afraid to talk to him at all.

He would come home with scratch marks on his back and when I asked about them he brought up my past and said I should go to counseling to work on my trust issues.

He would regularly put himself first, refused to make me a priority and would fuck with my mind immensely.

Drinking and partying were always more important than I was.

I started believing the lies he told me-- that I needed too much, that I was insecure, that I "ruined everything." He called me names often and guess what? I believed I wasn't in an abusive relationship because he didn't hit me.

Our relationship ended recently and now I'm looking back at everything that happened absolutely amazed that I was so blinded. I want to let you know that there were good days. Times were he was kind. His abuse was intermittent. He broke me down piece by piece over time until I hated myself. It was so slow that I became someone I no longer recognized by the end of it.

While in the relationship, I constantly had panic attacks while I was with him, I felt negative and desperate all the time and I never even considered that it was because of how I was treated. I figured something must be wrong with me, his harsh words were becoming my core beliefs about myself.

I wanted to post this for two reasons. One, I needed to vent. And two, I wanted to open up a conversation about abuse that is elusive. Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean he loves you. Just because he SAYS he loved you, doesn't mean he loves you. If you constantly feel shut down, like you don't matter, like you're "crazy" you need to leave. Listen to the people that care about you when they tell you he isn't good for you. Trust yourself and that deep feeling in your gut saying that this isn't healthy or normal. Know that it might be scary and heartbreaking and sickening to leave at first, but you must, your life depends on it.

Him and I have been broken up for a short while now but my life has changed in some major ways. I got a personal trainer, I got into counseling, and I started giving back to my community more. I cut off all relationships in my life that feel one sided. I've realized my worth. I feel deeply hurt and confused that I was in such a horrible relationship-- but still I rise. I feel so SO much better since leaving. I'm finally myself again.