It's a long one...

Don't you hate how you want to open up and you write a whole big long paragraph, then think, 'Nah, no one cares' so you just delete it? I just did that. But here's my paragraph because for some reason I feel more comfortable posting it here than on my Facebook where people I actually know can see it...

--People say that they're always there for someone when they need to talk. Whether it be about something so exciting and happy, or something so hard to hear that it makes you hurt inside. I know for a fact that those individuals are appreciated, as I have them in my life.

The truth is, even though I know there are people there who will listen to the thoughts that go through my mind, my anxiety gets the better of me every time. I over think, make myself panic that I'm bringing a cloud over what could've been a fantastic day for you, and that now you'll spend some time thinking about me and my issues.

Having depression quite often takes my mind to scary places and I push people who care about me away, when really I just need a hug.

More recently I've had a strong urge to end it; but no one knows because I slap on a smile and say 'I'm okay'. All because I feel like I'm a burden for saying anything, and that there's a possibility I'll be told I'm either overreacting or my favourite, 'everything will be okay, just keep your chin up and stay positive'.

It's hard to think positive when you've lost motivation to do so, but you push on going through each day as it comes.

You look at how happy your family and friends are when you're around; and think how much of a shitty person you'd be if you ended it and left them with nothing more than memories and unanswered questions. So you suffer in silence, alone.

To those who've said I can talk to them about whatever, whenever; I am always grateful that there are people like you in the world. A safe place for me to speak my mind. But I'm sorry, I don't tell you the whole of anything. I only ever tell you the equivalent to the tip of an iceberg, when really there's an unimaginable amount more hidden underneath.

So many people know me as a happy, always smiling and high on life person, when really my mind is a scary place to be. Only a select few have seen me at my absolute worst and been there to help me put myself back together. Thank you.

I'm anxious to post this, because writing something like this will be labelled as 'ATTENTION SEEKING' and get hate OR be ignored, either way some people are assholes like that. But those same people are the ones who also say 'here for you' and 'inbox me' like they've always been there. Just a heads up, DON'T BOTHER if you're one of them, because I know who means well and follows through.

So to end this long and not so happy post, I don't want attention and I'm not going to open up now I've said these things. I know, I know, why bother if I'm not going to start actually talking about anything. Well it's just because I feel like it.--