In short, from a young age, I was told my worth comes from what I have to offer sexually. The person behind this groped me and kissed me inappropriately for the majority of my childhood. If I refused he held me over the stair case in my house with one arm around my neck. He thought it was funny. Or he'd call me a slut or worthless. I still see him and he still enjoys using these words on me. (No. I am not pressing charges. I just want away from him. Which I will be soon.)

Moving forward I ended up in an abusive relationship (mentally and emotionally). For the majority of the relationship he manipulated me and reminded me I'm no good unless I offer him something, be it my body or my service. This was my first real relationship.

After giving him my Virginity and only getting his affection when I was naked, I developed a bit of an issue with sex. I craved it and needed it far more than hormones go. Without it I felt worthless. I'd binge sex and porn for weeks not caring if I ate or slept enough if at all. It wasn't until a very bad incident between friends, family, and a guy that I'm not sure ever gave me his real name that I realized there was a problem. I took a year away from sex and thought I was better enough for a stable relationship. I was not. I was then told I have a thyroid issue that causes me chemical depression, anxiety, and bipolar. I slept too much, ate too little, and wanted nothing but sex. If my boyfriend denied me I swore he was cheating. He lied to me a lot and we we're generally toxic together.

Now, 3 years after my abusive relationship, I'm on medication and felt like myself for several months. This month I've questioned everything about myself. (Several personal issues occurred about a year ago and I'm still working through them).

Today I attempted to have sex for the first time since my medication, hoping so badly I was okay enough not to binge. Starting as simple making out, once things got heated, I panicked. Flash backs and waves of doubt and anger and guilt hit me and I've never felt so broken and useless. It's been several hours since then and now I'm more confused than ever and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be intimate again.