Anxiety and depression

I don't want to go too in depth about it but I just want some advice. I was born 15 years ago in England to my mother when she was 40 and my real dad left when I was 9 months old. When I was younger I had no clue and knew no difference but now at 15 years old, yeah i do. I want to meet my other family but like.. my early childhood was quite happy despite my ASD making it difficult to speak to people. As I grew up things got harder and harder, the kids started picking things up that i was different and my bullying story began as even though it wasn't that bad at that point I would say it was the start. This is the point when after suffering anxiety all my life, I discovered what a panic attack was. At secondary school it got worse and things started getting physical, I got physically, sexually and emotionally abused by the kids and I had no help as I wouldn't speak out, I was scared the kids would find out. I had no true friends but friends that would use me, and I was extremely shy. I was vulnerable and at that point is where i caked my face in tons of makeup trying to fit in with the crowd. I kept getting down about my looks and was miserable 24/7. I faked my accent. One of my secondary boyfriends played me and made fun of me, not mentioning names. My best friend used me and even though I was popular for a bit it didnt feel right. To make things better, i relied on food and I put myself on YouTube firstly for boredom relief but then became a stupid obsession of mine. I eventually got out of that hell at 14 and moved schools, this is where I started not eating much and losing my appetite. I started losing lots of weight and even though I still had self esteem issues, I was happier for a moment. I had aspirations of becoming a teen presenter and actor. Then I really started going downhill as I tried to escape my past and finally find myself again. I started cutting myself and continued to hit myself which I always done. I felt suicidal and wanted to die at times. I tried my hardest ti escape it and any reminders made me even worse. I went to the doctors to see about having depression and they dismissed me but my mother and I know I have it. I am diagnosed with anxiety disorder though. Now I can barely look in the mirror and I keep my hair in a half ponytail as Ariana Grande is my idol, I keep well away from too much makeup but can't leave the house without mascara. I try my hardest to hide my body and skip breakfast most days. I have also seen and witnessed many of my mums relationships and breakups.

Thanks for listening x