My daughter was born April 9th. My pregnancy was horrible. I hated being pregnant and think it’s the worst thing I could have ever put myself though. Yes I got my rainbow but pregnancy is not for me. I was high risk with hypertension, in and out of L&D; & was ignored towards the end by my OB when I had legitimate and proven concerns; decreased fetal movement for a day or two where I’d maybe feel her once, to high BP with the worst symptoms. All ignored and I was pushed until 40+5 before allowed my medically necessary cesarean, confirmed at 37 weeks. So it was the worst experience ever and i don’t wish to go through it again.

I love my daughter. Don’t get me wrong. But I’m beyond depressed. I feel overwhelmed and alone, disgusting and hideous; unloved and unwanted by my husband. Lack of help even with the littlest things from my husband. Fights being picked over aggravation on my part because of the begging I must do for him to help me at night; I’m awaiting removal of my gallbladder and I’m in so much pain lately at night that I can’t move or lift her and so I need his help. He works 4pm to 1am so I know I shouldn’t be worrying about help because he’s providing and I’m home so the house and baby is my responsibility, but by the time it’s 6am yes, I need the help with her even if it means him changing her and bringing her to me so I can give her her bottle or yes, putting folded clothes away or emptying the dishwasher for me or taking the trash out is something I ask, but I never thought it was too much to ask but that’s how it’s feeling.

I’m home with my daughter right now while job searching, waiting for the job I was offered to call me back and discussing with my husband whether financially it’d even be worth me going back to work right now or staying home would make more sense; we’re taking into consideration a lot of variables right now.

But between everything I’m just feeling alone. I’m gaining back the weight I gained then lost after delivery from boredom and depression eating. I’m moody. Not thinking straight. Yes all signs of PPD. I was diagnosed 3 years ago with PTSD from abuse from my father growing up and multiple counts of sexual assault from classmates back in middle school. I was diagnosed bipolar 2; anxiety and manic depression. For the last 2 years I’ve maintained a solid and healthy mind with no meds and have done absolutely wonderful! I surprised myself that’s for sure. But right now I’m going backwards.

I refuse all medication for controlling my mental health. I don’t mix with medications. Nor do I feel it’s right for me nor do I like what they do to me. So that’s out of the question. I’m just struggling to find a psychiatrist to speak with who’ll take my insurance locally. But when I find one I’ll be going ASAP!!

I just shouldn’t not want to be around my child randomly throughout the day or feel enraged when I’m in public and she starts freaking out with the hysterical (people watching) cries that sound like I’m hurting her, this isn’t who I am. I love her so much. It’s making me feel like a horrible mom😭 I wanted her so bad, I’d never hurt her. And it’s not hurting her I’m worried about, it’s hurting me. In the past I self harmed and I don’t want to go back there because I’m not getting the support from my husband or help I need 😢