Chemical Pregnancy. Again. I can't take this.

Today was my 4 week mark (14 dpo) Just last night, I was thinking how comforting and wonderful and exciting it was to have *no* AF symptoms. My tests were finally beginning to darken. I was having bouts of evening sickness. I got the message from nurture last night that my baby was the size of a tomato seed. I couldn't wait for my FMU this morning. Even though I woke up with suspicious AF-like cramps, I knew/hoped I would finally have my BFP and not just progressively darkening faints lines. We had already chosen a boy and a girl name.

The pic is from this morning. I was shocked and then numb. The numbness is now wearing off. I will try again, but I will do the TTW. I will never again put myself though the rollercoaster of tweaking and tilting and squinting. The expense, oy. The emotional toil. I am devastated. And today, I have obligations that require me to put on my game face as if all is well, because we had not yet told anyone. I don't want to pretend. I want to cry, rage, scream. I hurt in a visceral and primal way. I lost a child. It wasn't just chemicals. It was a life. And now it's gone. I want to punch something.