He has left me & I can’t get over him

Hi girls,

I just want to get this off my chest.

In October last year I met a guy on a dating app and it clicked. We went on a date, it was really fun. Then he asked me to go to a wellness/spa on an evening. This meant we would be naked (on a second date). I was too insecure to do so. So I refused. He kind of was irritated since he already had made a reservation. I told him I’m sorry and then offered to pay the half of the reservation that he wouldn’t get back. He said no it’s okay.

From there he was kind of distant. He once told me that I say things and then I chicken out (which yes I mostly do because I’m an overthinker). A few weeks later (in November) we ended going to the wellness together. So he was like “if it were the first time or now what’s the difference?” ... idk it felt better I guess? Then after the date he kissed me and said we would definitely see each other again. We really didn’t until one day in January, but he had to call it off because there was water flood in this loft (he showed me videos)!

I noticed he never initiated contact, I was the one that had to do it. One thing led to another and we ended at his house on the third date having sex (in March!). It was my first time having sex, so I was a virgin. He knew it and idk why but I regret it now. Let me tell you why. After having sex, he once or twice sent me a text and then I never heard from him. So I texted him like have you been seeing other people? He said yes, this really good female friend. I was shattered, I couldn’t do anything, could I? I saw on his social media and hers that they went on multiple dates, while he always told me he doesn’t have a lot of time blabla when I suggested a date :(

Fast forward to May: he deleted me from his Instagram, but still follows me and checks my instastories?! Anyways, they are dating now and he got her a Cartier bracelet for her birthday and when I check up on her social media they have really cute pictures etc. This makes me sad. Like why wasn’t I good enough? Is it because we share different religion and values? Is it because I always did what he asked me (even send nudes!)? Is it because I have ugly scars on my body and she is a dancer and model that has a flawless body?

We’re in August now, the last time I saw him was in March. And every time I see him on her social media, I get upset and sad. What hurt the most is that I was stupid enough to give him my virginity. I’m a strict religious person and ended giving up a thing that was so dear to me! I haven’t been doing good at school, have had panic attacks/anxiety. I got a college degree (bachelor) and wanted to go for a master’s degree, but I can’t concentrate and I’m 2 days I have exams, haven’t studied a thing and if I fail them, I can’t enroll at the university anymore. I feel like my dream is being shattered. Just my life really. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t alive. I just cry and ended up having an addiction. I don’t know how to stop, don’t know how to be happy again.

I feel like I’m not me anymore. I wish he was the one, the one who would have married me. I’m never lucky when it comes to love. 💔😔

Sorry for my long post, but please give me advice on what to do? I’m desperate!