What now?.?.?

My relationship with the father of my child (which I will call BD, for short) has not been a walk through the park since the beginning. We began dating 4 years before the birth of our baby this past May 2018. Those 4 years consist of him being unfaithful, being a huge binge drinker, and drug user.

Becoming pregnant at 27 was definitely not planned, and despite the circumstances I decided to have my baby because I could not bare the thought of having abortion at this point in my life, and then years down the line not being capable of becoming pregnant. My BD was not thrilled since our baby would be baby number two for him. So my journey began and because of our unstable relationship I didn’t announce to my family I was pregnant until my 6th month, which I was able to conceal thankfully to my small belly size. I decided to conceal my pregnancy because I knew people were not going to be thrilled due to who was the father. (I am happy to say that they were very accepting of the child despite of the father, which I could not be happier about)

The very 1st weekend of my baby’s being born, his father decided to go out drinking and not return until Sunday, like if nothing happen, and like if I didn’t any help any of the times that’s our baby woke up during the night. This crushed me because unfortunately I actually thought he was going to be hands on since he acted supported through out the pregnancy. This occurrence was not just one time thing, before I knew it he was partying like he had before the baby was born.

BD and I don’t live together, so he was staying coming over to see the baby for a few hours during the week, a day here and there, and continuing to party on the weekend. Because now my baby is the center of my universe, his actions do not sit well with me. So I drifted apart from my boyfriend, our baby is 3 months now, and after looking at our phone bill and inspecting our call log I noticed phone calls made at AM hours during his drinking escapades, so obviously looked up in my cell phone to see if they belong to a mutual friends, and when they didn’t I looked it up with the caller ID app and discovered it belong to a women, which I was able to track down on social media. After confronting him about his behavior he mentioned the only reason he was with me is for the baby, which I was not expecting. We haven’t spoken since I confronted him, and didn’t think we would break up, but I cannot help but be very heart broken.

Why is it that I’m willing to stay for a toxic relationship? I am sooo unhappy being with him, but the moment I think of braking up scares me. I just don’t even know what to do.