Like A Broken Record(long but need someone to vent to)

We argue about it all the time now. I cheated about a year ago. I didn’t cheat physically but I did post nudes on tumblr. We had a big fight about it. Then he decided to stay with me. I thought him deciding to stay with me was us trying to work on it and move past it. Every now and then any issue I have that I bring up to him, he makes it go back to it’s all because I did what I did.

I understand I hurt him. I honestly don’t know why I went ahead and did it, I just know I did it and I can’t change it 😡 my reasons aren’t excuses but they are reasons.

I’ve realized lately that he has a lack of respect for me ( which is caused because ding ding ding yup what I did). But I feel I don’t deserve this all the time. I sound crazy saying that considering I cheated, but if he’s so miserable with me then why does he stay?

He doesn’t care about me anymore. I know. I live in this state with no family. He has some family here and he gets to run to hem, but when I have an issue I have no one to run to. My friends are adults with their own lives going on. I feel like a prisoner.

He called me yesterday to tell me that his brother wanted to see him and I said you know what I’m fed up. Whenever I need you, you’re “busy” or don’t think my problem is important enough to make an effort. But as soon as it’s anyone else, at the drop of a hat he’ll go. And of course because I said that, he got pissed off and brought up what I did again...

Like a damn broken record I’m tired of arguing about the same thing! Either he leaves me or stays with me and we try to help each other cope. He says I’m the one that wants it to be like this, I don’t understand how when he’s the one who brings it up ALL THE TIME.

My name is the only one on the lease, and I said look if you’re really this miserable then leave! Pack your stuff and go! He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to marry me and have kids but not anymore. I felt like he was hitting below the belt because that’s all I ever wanted, was to grow with him. I realize I made a mistake and I feel so guilty for what I did. I just can’t be in this anymore.

He drew the line when he asked me how much money I had so I can move back where I came from!!! I couldn’t believe that! I told him I’m not leaving! This is my home, if he wants to leave he can! I have a great job and I’m about to attend a school!