What has TTC done to me?

I always thought that when I decided to have a baby someday with my husband that it would be this beautiful decision. That it would be a time filled with beautiful memories and positive emotions. I’ve always dreamed of being a mom. If I never did anything else, except be a mom, I was okay with that. Being a mom was my one true calling. And I felt it from a young age.

As I grew up, I fell in love with nursing, and I’ll be graduating with that degree the second week of December this year. I am married. My husband is so incredibly perfect for me in every way.

I was diagnosed with severe pcos at 18. My dr told me then that there was a possibility that I would never become pregnant on my own. Imagine being told at 18 that your vision of the future is all but gone. That the one dream you’ve ever had, might not happen for you.

But I did research, I joined groups. There were TONS of women who had perfect pregnancies with pcos. So, I reasoned, why would I be any different?

When my husband and I decided we were trying, I was warned by my midwife that it might be difficult. But I pressed on. People get pregnant on accident all the time, so even with my pcos, it can’t be that hard to do on purpose, right?

I’ve conceived only twice. The first time, my baby lasted until 8 weeks before (s)he was taken from me. We named that baby Britton. Britton would be almost 8 months now.

Last month, I lost my other baby. It took us 6 months to conceive that baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy and excited, I was over the moon. I did everything right. I didn’t do anything wrong. My baby was fine. I had two positives in a row. I guessed I was 6weeks based on when I had ovulated last. I was going to tell my husband the next day after he came home from work. I laid down for a nap before my night shift. When I woke up, there was so much blood. It was everywhere. My baby was gone. Again. Instead of telling my husband that he was going to be a dad that next day, I had to tell him that I had failed our baby, again. We named the baby Jaylen.

So this, this is what TTC has done to me.

It has reduced me to a mother, but not a mother. A mother who has never felt her babies kick from the inside. Never even got to hear their heartbeat.

I’ve done well, keeping the big picture in sight. But this week, there have been a total of 6, yes, 6, announcements on my Facebook feed. Make that 7 now, announcements of pregnancies, or births, or genders. All from kids who have no business having kids. Every one of them younger than me, every one of them unexpected.

TTC has broken me. Instead of being happy for these new parents and their beautiful babies, I’m bitter. It makes me sad.

How come they get to have beautiful babies and perfect pregnancies? I’m actually TRYING to have a baby, I WANT to get pregnant. I want to be a momma. So why is it so damn hard?

It just feels like while everyone else around me are having beautiful, perfect babies, I’m losing all of mine. And I’m doing everything right. It shouldn’t be this hard. And I almost feel like giving up.

Okay, my pity party is over. I needed to cry and vent and pity myself for a bit.