I had an affair. I told my husband today because I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because of the shame. He asked if I thought marriage was sacred and then he grabbed his clothes out of the closet and put them in his car and left.

Five minutes later he came back, and looked at me with pure sadness in his eyes. “Where did I go wrong?” He whispered, then slid down the door to the floor and just sobbed. I’ve never hated myself so much. I’ve never been so appalled at a human being, much less my own self.

I ran to him, knelt next to him and put his head on my chest and ran my nails through his hair. I told him how there was nothing wrong with him, but something wrong with me. I choked back tears because I don’t get to pity myself in this moment, I never did. This is his time to feel. I told him that he is perfect, and I am the flawed one. I told him how my love for him never wavered, and even if he leaves I’ll always love him.

Then I told him to leave me. I told him he deserves better, and that I’m going to work everyday to become a better person but that he deserves someone who is naturally a good person.

Then he cried some more and asked if I would rather be with “him.”

I said, “Never. Even if you decide to leave, I’m going to stay single. Probably just be the cool and single aunt from now on. Because I lost my chance. You’re my one, and I screwed it up. I could never replace you.”

We talked for hours about therapy and what else we could do to save us. He kept going back and forth on whether he wanted to leave. Every time he said he was done I choked back tears and just told him that I understood and that I loved him. Again, I don’t get to feel sorry for myself. Every time he said he wanted to stay I said “if you think you can do this, I’d love another chance because I’ve never felt so scared, but I understand if you don’t”

He got up, told me he once thought I was the love of his life, and walked out the door. I cried on the floor for three hours. Not pitying myself, but angry at myself. How could I be so stupid? How could I treat such a wonderful and precious human being the way that I did?

I picked myself up off the floor and went outside. He was still in his car. I went to go back inside and he told me to wait.

He said he loves me. He said he doesn’t know if we can get back what we had, but he was willing to try if I was. He asked if it was possible I delete social media (except for Glow!) at least for awhile and I did. We’re going to therapy tomorrow and I’m sleeping on the couch for the time being (when he’s sad or angry, he doesn’t like to be touched whatsoever), which is OK with me. I deserve worse.

I deserve to be left and he deserves to find someone who is better than I.

I’m going to work everyday to show him that I will choose him no matter what. I will show him that he’s perfect and I didn’t even deserve the first chance with him, but I’ll be damned if I don’t try to become the person he belongs with.

Sorry if that was long. I appreciate anyone who read until the end, and if you feel the need to call me a terrible person, I understand. I deserve worse.

❤️

Edit.

I am a lot of things. I’m a shit person for this. I’m undeserving of the respect and praise people are giving me for this. I’m trash for this. But I’m by no means weak, so that’s the ONE thing I will not tolerate. I made a weak decision, but I’ve survived FAR too much to just let people call me, as a person, weak. I’ve learned to hold my head up in the wake of my mistakes because I am the only person I am guaranteed in this life.

I deserve to feel guilty, and I do. I deserve to hate myself, and I do. But I’m not weak. I deserve to be called every other negative name in the book, but I will not be called weak.

To everyone who is giving me praise and respect: I don’t deserve it, but thank you. God bless you.

Edit 2.

Mistake: an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

It was by no means an accident. It was a mistake, though. Once a mistake is made nothing can be done about it but trying to fix it. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I have no control over that now. What I have control over is making him feel like a special person to me again. Therapy went very well! We got to the root of the issue, but I knew the reason I cheated before I even told him. I am back in the bed. I was the big spoon last night. ❤️❤️ P.s. I read the comments andkinda stole a couple. Thanks ladies!

I’m not deleting comments or reporting anyone, hand to God. If your comment gets deleted, I apologize but it was not me.