Feeling alone and need to vent

My DH and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years to have baby number two. I got pregnant right away after my iud was removed but miscarried early. It was the same week my geat grandmother died. So at her funeral I was grieving losing her and my baby. In my true fashion I kept it to myself, so I wouldn't have to deal with my family ridicule for "being selfish".

Back story on my family:(Rewind)

My mother and I were never close and she kept saying she wanted to be. It seems like she was always putting me down or criticizing me. So as an adult I stopped telling her about my life.

My father and I were thicker than thieves as I was growing up. Until I was about 14 and things changed I started doing my own thing. Then after I joined the army at 18, my dad fell into legal trouble. The military advised I find new housing. So when i followed their suggestion I had some how betrayed my parents.

At 19 i married another soldier. (On a whim) At 20 we were looking for divorce papers. I also met my husband, my soul mate, when I was 20. When my ex flew into town my parents picked him up, housed, and gave him a vehicle to use. (THEY ONLY MET THREE TIMES) We filed our divorce papers and i couldn't believe my parents betrayed me like this.

November 2010 was my 21st birthday and the month I found out I was pregnant with my son. Took my parents until I was 6 months pregnant to acknowledge me and my new family.

Time heals wounds? (Back to 2016 February, miscarriage, passing of grandma and....)

So after my great grandmother's funeral I feel something isn't right. I didn't feel like I was "as pregnant". The next day I was cramping and it just keeps worse on one side. So i go to the doctor and they told me my HCG was very low. Nothing on the ultrasound and expected bleeding in a day or two.

Four days later they call me to tell me I have "abnormal cervical cells". So I make my appointments and have a leap procedure done. My mother finds out that I've been through all this from my husband's big mouth. She tells me that I can lean on her for support.

So the last 2 years I've tried to build a relationship with her but i'm never right. Never good enough. I had enough after I expressed to her how I felt alone dealing with all this. (All family was super close) After what I told her, she told all my aunts about what I said. They all called me mad I haven't told them anything about my cancer or miscarriage. So I was really hurt and I asked my mom why she would do that to me. Her response was, "Tamara, why do you always want drama?" So I took a step back to look at this. Why was it my fault? I told her in confidence that she would be my supporter. My dad has told me I need to apologize to her. It's like I'm apologizing for them hurting me. So I said no more I'm not going to apologize for others anymore. The only person that has supported me is my husband.

My PTSD has been so bad that I literally think I'm losing my mind. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment and still no relief or baby. Start to wonder why you're so broken.