I just need to vent and I can’t do hat at home so...

So this weekend was really fun I spent the whole weekend with my friend at her house. With permission of course. But when I get home I feel like there’s nothing to do but cry my eyes out. I never that way with anyone else but with my family. I’ve never been close to them ever. At this moment I’m crying and I can barely see the keyboard, everyone knows I hate crying, I hate the feeling of it, and to me I feel that when I cry I’m weak. Right now I’m losing control and I don’t know what to do. No I don’t want to end my life because I love my life outside of the family. I know it’s really wrong to say that I don’t love any of them, but I feel like it’s true. I’ve always had to be the ‘perfect’ kid because my older siblings are screw ups. And my younger sibling is treated like a princess so she never really had to do anything.

I feel like all the pressure to be successful is put on me. We’re not a middle class family, I mean all families have huge ups and downs but this family, actually I wouldn’t even say were a family, because all we do is fight and it’s hard to deal with. My friends don’t know that I go through anything, they perceive me as this perfect human that doesn’t show emotions and has perfect grades.

Ok so the problem I’m having here is that I’m emotionally and verbally abused by my mom, and my dad is either drunk or at work to even be in the picture. My siblings are all fuck ups basically. I’m supposed to be the one that makes it out of this dump and make something with my life. How am I supposed to do that if I have no support or motivation?

I literally the type of girl that will sit in the bathroom listen to music and cry and when I’m done I’ll walk out like nothing happened and go to sleep. I’m too scared to even ask God for help. Sometimes I think I’m alone and I do remember that I have a path already set from God, but I don’t know what decisions to make.

As i said my friends don’t know this and they wouldn’t understand because I know about their lives.

I’m just so sad and depressed and I don’t want to end my life I just feel like I need to get away from everything. Like I need to be alone. I’m 15 so there aren’t many places for me to go. Also I love in a gang town so I can’t just stroll on by to a neighbors house and ask to stay the night unless I want to become a Sex slave overnight.

Sorry for this long vent but i couldn’t keep it in it’s not healthy for me or my mentality.

I would love some advice or even better a solution.