Falling back into old ways with my eating and mental health

Over the last month I’ve backslid like crazy. I’ve been on top of everything and doing great for over 3 years. Then I hit a manic episode and fell off the cliff I’ve avoided for so long.

I don’t eat unless my boyfriend is home because he will see. I stay up all hours of the night because I’m afraid to sleep again. I get angry at everything. I cry at everything. I try so hard not to tell him because when I was manic he was really afraid of what I’d do to myself and I worried him. I don’t want to worry him and he went on a turnaround at work so I know he’s stressed and tired so I keep it all to myself. I know keeping it to myself isn’t good but it’s like all my bad habits came at me all together.

I’m so disappointed in myself but at the same time I don’t even know how to bring it up to him how bad off I am right now. I went to therapy last week and all it did was stress me out because she asked me what I was planning to do when I graduated and I have no clue because I didn’t even want to major in what I’m majoring in and I honestly never thought I’d live this long.

I’m not suicidal or anything but I just don’t know how to get back to myself. It’s like I can see myself (where I was a before a month ago) standing far away and no matter how fast I run I can’t get there because there is a rope around my waist and I don’t go anywhere.

I guess this is just a rant.