Life issues

I feel like I’m drowning. I can barley breathe and keep my head above water.

Recently, my family has encountered some serious bills, medical, taxes, and childcare. We make somewhere around 150k in a small town in the middle of no where. We should be living high. We have over 20k in medical bills that medical companies don’t believe we can’t pay. A bad tax accountant screwed us over and we owe the government 30k which they won’t take less than a 500 a month payment for and they’re charging us stupid high interest. I had to take a second mortgage out on our home just to pay the tax and avoid the high fees. And to top it all off my mom decided she will no longer watch the kids because she wants to travel so we had to hire a sitter full time. Babysitter is now 1k a month.

I have a horse for the kids to learn to ride, I’ll be posting her for sale. My husband has his dream car that he has to sell, just to pay the bills. Normally I would be ok, but my husband is distraught over selling his car and doesn’t seem to understand how much this affects me too.

We have two kids. I love them so very much but I would not have them if he didn’t want a kid. He gets to go party with his buddies, meanwhile I’m stuck, trapped in our home doing laundry, feeding the kids, staying up all night with the baby, cleaning house ,and working a full time job.

I came home today from a family baby shower to him drunk. He was supposed to watch the kids after the shower so I could go try to sell our horse to the barn owner. He was so drunk that he couldn’t even be left home alone with my 8 year old. Ugh.

So now that my only day that I can get a break from kids he’s drunk and I’m pissed off. Wtf. I couldn’t go to the barn. Instead I Made dinner, finished laundry, put the kids to bed. I just want to scream. I don’t want this life. Why does he always have to drink when I wanted to go out.

Our baby is 12 months old. I’ve never. Not once. Had a night out where I could relax. I have no way to relieve my stress. Idk what to do. Before kids I would go ride my horse or go for a run. Now I can’t leave the kids home alone without a capable adult. I can’t go ride because the baby will have a fit at the barn.

I don’t even know what to do about my husband. I love him so much. Yet every time I turn around he’s too drunk to function. And it’s not like he’s incapable of stopping. It’s that he’s choosing to do this.

I get it he’s giving up his dream car so we can pay for groceries. But damn what about me? When do I get the chance to say, what about me? What about my feelings?

I’m currently in bed alone as I banished my husband to the couch. But I can’t help but feeling so overwhelmed. I didn’t get around to cleaning the bathroom this weekend which is grossing me out. (I do live with all boys...) I just want a day. A moment. Something. Where I can actually say how I feel and get something done without a baby attached to my hip. Love my kids to death and they are a blessing from god. I would do literally everything for them, but sometime I need a break. I need a moment to not be a mom and be myself.

I just want to hop in my truck and drive. Drive for hundreds of miles out west and turn around and drive back home.

Meanwhile, I’m going to continue to sip my bedtime tea, watch Netflix and dream of my oasis. Prayers for all you parents who need a moment. I totally get it. Thank you for letting me vent. Ahh off to my oasis.