(See Part 1, 2, & 3)

Our anniversary mid-August passed, which meant my next cycle was on its way. I was anxious. Would this be our time?

My period came end of August. I took my now bumped up dose of Femara. I tested, and tested, and tested. Day 14 came and I called the clinic. Screw day 15. I told them this was my 5th month without a surge, I needed answers and I wanted to talk to my doctor afterwards to come up with a game plan. Somethings not working. What’s wrong with MY body? Why now? Why this? We scheduled my appointment for the following day.

Day 15 came and my wife and I headed up to the clinic. Of course my ultrasound was negative. She asked if I wanted to schedule a progesterone test and I told her the last nurse told me not to even bother. She vanished from the room. Roughly 10 minutes later, our doctor showed up. He sat down with us and stared at my ultrasound.

“This is classic PCOS.” (Didn’t I tell him at my first appointment that I had this?) He explained why my body was acting this way, but couldn’t answer why now. He started writing down my options.

1) SUPER FEMARA (and a steroid.) Basically, go full blast with my meds and add a steroid. Do that for a few months. BUT if I have “clomid-resistant PCOS” (which at this point, I assume I have...) this method will not do anything for me but cost me a few months and some money. Guaranteed ovulation? Not remotely close.

2) BIRTH CONTROL (what?) Apparently the reason some women get pregnant right away is because birth control regulates your hormones so they’re perfectly balanced coming off it. Take it a few months, regulate my cycle, come off it and assume it will put my body back to normal. Again, months, money, no guarantees.

3) Ovarian Drilling (I cant make this shit up.) With PCOS, ovaries tend to be twice the size of regular ovaries. By “drilling” (surgically removing half of the ovary to the size of a normal size ovary) studies have shown women ovulate properly afterwards and have decent success rates. Guaranteed? No, but a better shot than the first two options. Downfall is obviously surgery/recovery for something that may or may not work.

4) FSH injections (Or as he called it “JonAndKatePlus8”) This one is risky. The injections can overstimulate the ovary causing more than 3 follicles to form in my already overproducing ovary. There’s a chance of falling pregnant with a LOT of babies. It’s not impossible to carry more than 2 babies at a time (Kudos to multiples moms, you rock!) , just maybe not my preference if I have some control over that number, right?

5) Go off all meds. Stop for a few months. See what happens. Maybe I’ll regulate on my own off meds. Who knows? We don’t. My body might just hate me for eternity.

6) <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> (the “extreme” as he puts it.) Sure I’m young and supposedly healthy, but aren’t my odds to get pregnant better if I’m not even ovulating? This is the best guarantee. In our case, we’d do reciprocal <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. My wife’s egg inside my body (Her bun, my oven?) Yes, we realize this is a LOT of money, time, and injections.

We went home and weighed it out. We ultimately chose Reciprocal <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> with our Known Donor’s Sperm. If we have to wait a few months anyway regardless of whatever method we use, we’d rather save money and go big. We can both be involved in the process (which my wife has not gotten a chance to be terribly involved since we started at the clinic). There would be no “Who’s the biological mother?” Technically, it’s both of us. It’s her genes, but my blood and nutrients growing our baby. We can pray that this will bring us several chances at trying with a higher success rate. Maybe if we’re lucky, we will be able to have a few children from the one round of egg retrieval (we can only pray to God for that one.)

There are many couples who have been trying longer, harder, do way more than we have been through. You are strong, amazing humans. This is just my story, coming from an almost 26 year old happily married lesbian.

In my head, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. The only thing my wife and I were missing was sperm to create a child. Instead, it’s turned into a darker road than we ever imagined. Our infertility journey has been stressful. For me, it’s difficult seeing my friends/coworkers/family become pregnant so easily (the comments of “we weren’t trying” and “oh we’re going to have another one!” etc...), and knowing that I’m not that lucky. It hurts now, but I know that some day (hopefully next year), I’ll hold a baby in my arms, and this whole journey will be worth it.

Infertility is not talked about hardly ever. On a platform (safe space) like this, yes. I don’t feel as alone. Amongst people I know/am acquainted with? I’m so lonely. Why is this not a bigger discussion among women? Why are we ashamed?

Here I am getting ready for a phase of my life that will without a doubt be intense, stressful, and trying on my marriage. I’m going to make my voice heard, so that someone else in my life struggling, doesn’t have to know the loneliness I feel right now.

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>... here we come.