My story of how I survived rape(warning can be triggering)

Today, I decided to share my story with the world in hopes of letting others who are going through what I’ve been through have some sense of hope and happiness and to let them know they are not alone. My step father raped me from when I was 9 to 17. However, despite the evil nature he forced upon me I still love my dad. I consider him my dad because he’s been my step dad since I was 4. My father and I were best friends, I’d go and run errands with my dad. Unlike my mom my dad went to everything for me he went to all of the football games and supported me in cheerleading, he went to every school activity, he always supported me he was a hard worker and he’d show up to the last 10 min of a football game if he had to because he had just gotten out of work, but he was always there. I always made my dad lunch and took care of him like a regular father daughter relationship. I knew what my dad did to me was wrong. The first time I even told on him, but no one believed me. They made me feel as if I was crazy. It seems very odd but I actually started to believe what he was doing was right for a long time. I finally realized when I was in the 8th grade that something was wrong. I would beg my dad to stop doing what he was doing and he’d always cry and apologize I have a very forgiving heart so I always had hope he’d stop. It continued til I was 17 years old. It got to the point to where I was tired of begging him and then him never stopping. I was afraid that even though he knew what he was doing was wrong that someday he’d try to do it to my kids when I eventually had some. He would tell me that if I ever told on him he’d have to kill himself because he didn’t wanna go to prison for the rest of his life and be ashamed when everyone knew the truth. He would always tell me that the truth always comes out and that when it does I have to deny everything. I agreed for a long time because I loved my dad he was my only friend in my house and really in general. When I told him I was going to tell on him if he didn’t stop I remember him crying and getting real panicked I hated seeing my dad like that, but I got the courage to tell anyways. I remember he denied it and the last thing I ever said to him was your such a lying prick. I regret telling on him, I truly do. On July 17, 2017 my father went to a days inn motel with a gun he bought illegally he shot himself in the head. His body was so badly damaged that he had to be cremated, the thought of my dad not even having a face or brain left hurts me so bad. I always wonder what his last thoughts were. I miss him like crazy. Nothing has been the same since he left. My senior year of high school sucked. We were so excited for it he never graduated from high school, he was going to be so proud of me and see me become a dentist. The spot where he’d always sit during football games remained empty it hurt me to look up at the stands and not see my dad there. It hurts that he will never see me get married or have kids. I truly love my father, people think I’m crazy because I love someone who did something so wrong to me. For anyone who is going through what I went through, tell. It’s the only way it will stop. Life will not be the same after, but in the end you had to tell. The truth always comes out. Thanks for reading my story and letting me allow the world to know my story.