Breaking up.. Long post

I finally had the courage to break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. The relationship itself was good but of course had it’s setbacks. I had been on the fence about him for a long time, I always felt that maybe it will work and then those setbacks always made me feel as though it would never work. I knew from the beginning we were very different, but maybe I was blindsided and overlooked it. However I don’t want to get into any of that because I don’t want it to come off as me trying to bash him in anyway, as I know we all have our flaws.

It finally took him moving off to another school hours away for me to realize I no longer wanted to be in that relationship any longer, I never wanted to do long distance and this was something I was transparent about since the beginning of our relationship.

So when I saw the opportunity to leave this relationship, I took it. Maybe it was selfish of me, maybe it wasn’t. All I know is I feel much better, lighter, and happier with myself. Of course there’s a part of me that feels horrible because I know how sad he is, I am human after all.

I’ll admit I know he loved me a lot deeper than I ever did, I tried to force myself to fall in love with him and I just simply couldn’t. It was agonizing to watch someone fall more and more in love with you, and you not being able to to reciprocate those same feelings. I love him, but just not IN love with him. I care a lot about him which is why I felt the need to stay in this relationship so much longer than I wanted. However needless to say, there were moments where I was happy with him but deep down in my gut I knew he wasn’t the one. I’ve never been one to try to hurt anyone’s feelings, so maybe that’s why I never wanted to admit to it, I don’t know.

At least every week he texts that he wish I would have just tried and wishes we didn’t have to break up, and it really pains to have to see that on a continuous bases to the point I actually feel guilty.

Last night he began texting me about how I was such a horrible girlfriend that never cared about him and that everyone, including his parents say so. And I have to say it hurts, I admit maybe I wasn’t the “best” girlfriend, probably because I had my reservations about him but it’s not like I treated him with any disrespect or whatever. And it really stings me that he really thinks I never cared when I absolutely did/do. 😔

I don’t know, I just wish this whole situation would go away, maybe it is selfish of me to feel like I’m finally choosing myself and like I said maybe it’s not. He still asked me to meet up with him when he gets back for Thanksgiving break, I keep telling him as I don’t think it’s a good idea because I don’t want to try to get back together and I know those are his intentions..

sorry this is so long I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest.