Drowning in my own depression. Give me all your uplifting words.

I know I’m not the only one by any means ladies. I know people have been through way worse than me. But, this is my story and these are my feelings. I just need to write it out.

I’m 25. My husband is 28, as of Wednesday. We have been trying since our miscarriage over 6 years ago. He waited to seek fertility treatment until we were married. We have been going through fertility treatment nonstop for 2 years straight. 5 IUIs- 1 resulting in miscarriage. 2 IVFs- 1 resulting in miscarriage. I have 3 angel babies all together. After all these rounds, we have found that I basically have shitty eggs. All genetic testing, DNA stuff, labs, husband, scopes, scans, ultrasounds. Everything is good, other than my eggs. Which honestly kills me.

We found out in September that our 2nd

IVF

round had failed. We transferred 3 “ok” little ones. I read the book “it starts with an egg” and have been taking all these vitamins and have made a lot of changes to hopefully help my egg quality. So, for the first time in over 2 years my husband and I tried on our own in October. I was 9 days late on my period. I have NEVER been late. Even with all these

fertility meds

, I have never even been 1 day late. I ovulate on day 13 and my period comes on day 30. Every. Single. Month.

So, i started bleeding like a stuck hog being 9 days late. That fucked with my emotions. Big time.

So, here I am sitting in a hotel room in my town by myself. Why might you ask?

I’m feeling sorry for myself. This whole week I’m drowning in my depression. My husband is GREAT. I mean GREAT. I could not be any more lucky. But, monday when we were talking about my hysteroscopy and how frustrated I was that if my period didn’t come, we couldn’t go through with it this month. He was trying to calm me down instead of just letting me vent and be supportive. It just set me off for some reason. I don’t understand it myself. Since then, I “hate” him. I say that with “ “ because I really don’t... I’ve pulled myself away from him. Argued. He’s been the sweetest and trying to be so supportive but, idk I’m just not having it.

Over 6 years of infertility. All these treatments. Upwards of $60,000 gone in the past 2 years alone. We bought land in july. We’re in the midst of building a house which is stressful in itself. But, I don’t want this house without my baby. I don’t want this land without my baby. Our “nursery” is our “guest room” as of now. I’m just mentally drained. I’m struggling. I’m struggling sooooo bad right now.

I have a wonderful job. A wonderful husband. Wonderful things happening. A wonderful support system but, it’s like I can’t see that. All I can see is infertility.

I associate my infertility with EVERYTHING. I don’t want to go out with friends because i don’t have anything to talk about because all that’s in my head is babies (I’ve been quiet about my fertility journey). I skip baby showers and birthdays because my stupid butter self can’t stand to see anybody else absolutely elated with their baby. I went from being the biggest extrovert to the biggest introvert. Thanksgiving is sooo fun with his family (he has 6 siblings) but every single one of them has 1-3 kids and we still have zero. It kills me inside. They are SO fertile but, here I am holding my husband back. My heart just wants to skip it.

So, again. Here I am in a hotel room. Having a few drinks for the first time in a very long time, eating for the first time in two days, and just being by myself. Just venting. Just crying. Just thinking how the fuck I’m going to come around to my husband and not shut him out because of my depression. He’s my light.

Thanks for reading.. 😞

UPDATE: I just want to say thank you to all you ladies who have commented with advice and support. It means the world to me! After a tough week and start to the wkd, I came home to my husband listening to podcasts about how to help and be there for a wife who is down and depressed and him just being the sweetest human alive. I needed time to myself. Then I needed his love.

We also made a vow to each other that our marriage will come before all else. Even babies and to ALWAYS separate our marriage/life from our infertility struggle but, I definitely struggle with that sometimes. I won’t lie.

I’m better than this. We’re better than this. I’m stronger than this. We are all stronger than this! And I just try to remind myself that this journey will make me a WONDERFUL mother and appreciate EVERY little step of parenthood someday.

Again, thank you ladies. Your words lifted me up. 💕