Am I a bad person???

***LONG READ***

So I have this friend that I fell in love with immediately. I was a strong believer that love at first sight doesn’t exist. He changed my mind real quick.

So I’m a shy girl who likes art and alternative rock, I’m also really into the skater look and I enjoy myself a good drama/romance book movie or anime every now and then. I’m not going to lie so I’ll just let you know that I’m not unattractive at all. I have hazel grey eyes brown curly hair and a nice body but that’s ll guys ever really saw in me, and it makes me feel like I’m only an object... until I really got to know this guy. To keep his name anonymous we’ll call him Cris.

So I met Cris in my English class last year and right away I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. He has black hair and glasses with a black ear ring he’s skinny but fit so he has a great body. All I ever did was look at Cris but I had this issues where my anxiety would act up and my hands would shake A LOT. So then Cris grabs my hand and starts to pet it and rub it. MY HEART FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO EXPLODE! That was the first time a boy held my hand with such comfort and security. His voice was calming and my face turned pink. A couple of weeks pass and I meet this girl in Spanish tutoring. We’ll call her Ronnie and she’s this really cute girl. She’s 4’11 and she’s smart and funny. I get to talking with her and it turns out that she ALSO is in love with Cris.

I felt like I was shot in the chest. I have low self esteem so the only thing I could think about was “This cute girl and this sweet guy would look so much better then he and I would”. I shouldn’t get in the way. So I cheered for her like an idiot. And the worst part is, RONNIE IS SUCH A SWEET AND NICE PERSON. I watch them kiss and hug and snuggle together. But since I was they’re friend, I didn’t want to intervene.

Earlier this year Ronnie was really happy and told me that her and Cris had sex. I felt like I was going to cry right there, but instead I cheered for her and congratulated her on it. I also found out how Ronnie came to fall in love with Cris. She fell in love with Cris at first sight too, but Cris was dating one of her best friends at the time. But after they broke up Ronnie swooped Cris away. I’m not like Ronnie. I believe that if your friend was dating a guy and they broke up that that guy is TOTALLY OFF LIMITS!

Ronnie just recently moved away and Cris was super upset but they visit each other once a month and they’re relationship has remained sturdy.

But I’m still in love with Cris... I see Cris EVERY DAY and wish I was in Ronnie’s place.

So I have family problems and Cris is ALWAYS comforting me and making me feel like I matter. Cris is awkward and silly and we have similar tastes and interest but I always have to remind myself that Ronnie still exists.

But recently Cris and I have become... closer??? He hugs me more, he touches/ holds my face. I was talking about these hot guys on Instagram and he grabbed my face and said “stop stalking other guys”. SHIFJSFKABFKBSJXBDKABDHKFJW WHAT?! He also saw I was cold and he straight up held my hand the other day and I didn’t tell him to stop. I felt bad so whenever Ronnie hits my mind I say “Friendship” like an idiot but I really REALLY like it.

I always think that we would be a cute couple and that we would be so happy. But he has something that he can never give back to Ronnie and even if Ronnie and Cris did break up and Ronnie was okay with me asking out Cris. I think it would be awkward when your boyfriend has one of your best friends virginity right??!!

I know he still loves Ronnie but a lot of my friends tell me that he likes me too. But I’m so dense and I can’t tell. I really hope he does but I care to much about Ronnie’s feelings to put mine into action. Even though I really want to... am I a bad person for falling in love with a boy whose taken?